A Very Hairy Christmas
First of all, let me say that as an Italian Jersey girl, I’ve only known a Hairy Christmas. And a Hairy Easter. And a Hairy 4th of July. Because, like most Italian Jersey girls – I’m hairy. When I was younger, kids would call me that Italian name for hairy – Chewbacca. PSE&G sent me a notice warning me that I can’t have laser hair removal anymore. (Remember that power outage during Hurricane Sandy? It wasn’t the wind – I was having my knuckles done. Sorry about that.)
So, Bravo, would you be a bit more sensitive when you title your episodes with double entendre?
At any rate, everyone is busy with Christmas and New Year’s as well as making plans to get together with Teresa now that she’s home from prison. Jacqueline spots a photo of the new, black Lexus with a bow on top in the Giudices’ driveway. “Same old Teresa,” she muses. Well, I don’t know about that exactly. The old Teresa probably would’ve had a leopard print Lexus.
Melissa ponders whether Teresa (who she hasn’t seen or spoken to in a year), will have a “halo over her head with her tail between her legs.” That conjures up an interesting picture – kind of like a leopard that’s sorry it just ate a missionary. (I can’t help myself with the leopard references when I write about this crowd.)
Teresa is prepping her girls for a photo shoot, which involves getting their eyebrows groomed. Like I mentioned in the beginning, it would’ve been helpful if my mother had done this for me when I was a kid, so I didn’t have to go to school with a forehead that looked like two caterpillars were having a summit.
She explains to us that since she was away at the big house, “All my businesses went to sh*t.” Her cookbooks aren’t selling (probably because they don’t contain any recipes for sprinkle cookies), so selling these Christmas photos of her family to a magazine is a way to make some money. I’m guessing the magazine wasn’t Better Homes & Gardens.
Meanwhile, Melissa is getting ready to host her Christmas Eve dinner, hoping everything will go smoothly with Teresa. Last episode, she was wondering if her sister-in-law would even be allowed to come, but her father-in-law consoled her by saying, “Less people, less money.” Italians are practical people.
Recalling her brother-in-law’s past reference to her resembling a certain furry nocturnal creature known for invading garbage cans, Melissa pragmatically considers if she should wear or not wear a smoky eye so no one calls her a raccoon.
Christmas Eve dinner, traditionally celebrated by Italians by serving seven fishes, goes off well enough with all 5,000 relatives at the table. There’s lobster, linguini, and fish galore – and those are just the stocking stuffers. Joe Giudice reminds us that this time of year is truly a celebration of family togetherness along with the day that Jesus either died or was resurrected – he isn’t sure. Wife Teresa reminds him that Christmas is the day when Jesus was born. “That’s why you have to go to church,” T. admonishes him. And, while we’re on the subject, it’s kind of an ironic reminder: While the church doesn’t have to pay taxes, the people of New Jersey do, right, Joe?
After dinner, we witness a true Christmas miracle! While putting glasses away in the kitchen cabinet, Teresa and sister-in-law, Melissa, settle their beef with each other. Melissa declares to T., “I love you like a sister.” T. tells her to act like it. “Let’s be real,” she counters to Melissa. Feeling abandoned and accusing Melissa of sticking with the others in the group instead of her, Teresa laments, “I was on Gilligan’s Island all by myself,” thus ruining the fond memories of that series held by millions of Baby Boomers.
In the end, Melissa and Teresa manage to shake hands, bonding for the sake of famiglia.
In a little side story, Dolores goes to see a therapist to deal with her divorce from 17 years ago. She needs to figure out how to take care of herself and enjoy it. After her session, she tells the therapist, “Don’t tell anyone I’m emotional.” Her therapist replies, “Mum’s the word.” Thank goodness for her discretion in front of an international TV audience.
Another little side story involves Ashlee having a heartwarming talk with her mother, Jacqueline, over nonslip hangers. Ashlee has bought 500 hangers in preparation of her moving out – or, perhaps she’s opening up a Marshall’s; we’re not sure. At any rate, she’s decided to leave because she and her boyfriend have “needs.” She also informs Jacqueline that her mother is too loud when she’s with her husband, Chris. I couldn’t believe she would say something like that to her mother. The only time I would admit that my mother was too loud with my father was when she yelled, “You wannanother meatball?” when he showed up late for Sunday dinner after a golf game.
Then, of course, we get to see how Melissa’s boutique, Envy, is coming along. Melissa wants to be a good role model for her kids and be a successful businesswoman as well as a wife and mother. Hubby Joe isn’t embracing this philosophy and is resentful that Melissa is working outside of the home. Ticked off that he now is tasked with picking the kids up from school, he barks at her, “It’s like I’m a single parent now. I might as well give them the nipple. My boobs are growing as we speak.” I’m not sure what sign Joe is, but, because he’s so passionate, I’d say he’s either a Scorpio… or maybe a Neanderthal.
Meanwhile, Teresa informs us of her own painful body issues. She got an ingrown toenail when she was in prison. It hurt. It hurt a lot. She also had to color her own hair in prison with dye that came from a box. I’ve heard about the horrible conditions in prison, but no one should have to live that way. It’s plain inhumane. Where are you, Sarah McLachlan, when we need you?
So New Year’s Eve is rolling around and Jacqueline and Chris are hosting a party. So is Teresa, but she didn’t invite Jacqueline. Chris tells his wife that one of them has to make the first move to repair their friendship. But, right now, Jacqueline is too busy dealing with more important issues. “Do I have camel toe in these pants?” she asks her husband. My rule of thumb to follow whenever wearing faux leather pants or yoga leggings is this: Don’t ask if you have camel toe, ‘cause you always do. But that’s not stopped half the people who shop at Walmart’s, including the men.
Look who shows up to Jacqueline’s party – Kathy and Richie Wakile with Kathy’s sister, Rosie, in tow. Richie hands his hosts a gift bag containing only one bottle of beer, using the excuse, “I just built a house.” Always the jokester, that Richie. We miss his subtle humor. Maybe they’ll bring him back so that he and new cast member, Israeli-born Siggy, can negotiate peace in the Middle East peace.
Over at the Giudices, Joe is at loggerheads with daughter, Gia, who wants to go out with her friends on New Year’s Eve. Joe tells her she has to stay home. When she insists that she’s going out, he yells, “Shut your face, you little fathead.” Proving he’s the grownup, he refrains from calling her “doody head.” Gia gets all decked out and, as she’s getting ready to leave, Joe tells her she better be home by midnight. To everyone and no one in particular, he grumbles, “She’s fourteen – she’s gotta lotta balls.” Guess the ball doesn’t fall far from the Tre, huh, Joe?
Dolores understands the conflict between Joe and Gia. “Every Italian girl has to deal with her father being strict,” she concedes. Uh, if I ever told my Italian father that I was going out with my friends on New Year’s Eve when I was fourteen, I’m not sure I would’ve made it to fifteen. But those Giudice girls are tough. In fact, despite that 36 people are partying at Teresa’s house, Milania is found peacefully sleeping under a nearby chair. You gotta love that kid.
Back over at Jacq’s house, T. calls to wish her a Happy New Year, but gets miffed when Kathy and Rosie yell out their good wishes to her and she finds out she’s on speaker phone. Poor Rosie is perplexed and doesn’t know why her cousin Teresa hates her. Then she figures it out: “’Cuz I’m breathing.” Rosie then declares her wise new year’s resolution. “I’m gonna be the biggest bitch on wheels.” It’s a laudable goal, Rosie, but we know that you’re too nice for that. Besides, I think most of the women on Famously Single are already in the running for that title.
Dolores, who has left Teresa’s party to now attend Jacq’s party, is ever the sage. Wanting to get Jacq and Tre back together, she reasons that their differences stand in the way. “Teresa was raised Italian. You don’t really talk about your feelings.” Then goes on to say that Jacqueline does talk about her feelings. But, Jacq is half-Italian, so maybe it’s the non-Italian half that’s chatty. I don’t know how to feel about the whole situation with Tre and Jacq. But maybe that’s just because I’m Italian and I don’t want to talk about it.
As the episode comes to an end, Chris Laurita advises us, “If you surround yourself with good people, you’re gonna live a beautiful life.” Well said, Chris. Now, if you can just convince those good people that they should be drinking Black Water…
Finally, Gia returns home and hugs her father, who gives her a pep talk about what she needs to do while he’s away. In the end, it all comes down to a father’s love. It’s enough to make you forgive Joe for not knowing that Christmas is a holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
Next week: It looks like Jacqueline and Teresa are on their way to mending fences, but we get the feeling that something’s amiss. I’d talk about that more, but Italians don’t talk about their feelings. — Eileen Budd
Eileen Budd is a Hoboken-based comedienne and writer. Comment below!
92, a lifelong resident of Bayonne, passed away on July 13, 2016 at Alaris Health in Jersey City. George served his country proudly in the United States Army in the 412th Army Air Force Base Unit in many European Battles and Campaigns during WWII. George and his brother Frank owned and operated Zaros Tavern on East 22nd Street in Bayonne, where he was known as “Lefty” to his patrons for over 40 years. He was predeceased by his parents Victor and Martha (nee: Renchko) Zare and his siblings; Helen Pack, Ann Rivas, Margaret, John, Michael, Frank, Joseph, Edward and Peter Zare. Also survived by many nieces and nephews and great-nieces and great-nephews. Funeral arrangements by S. FRYCZYNSKI & SON Funeral Home, 3234 E 22nd St.
88, of Bayonne, passed away on July 12, 2016. Wife of the late Frank Pratko. Mother of Wayne Pratko, Kathleen and her husband Mark Laytos and the late Robert Pratko. Sister of Addie Hennings-Manchester. Also survived by many nieces and nephews, her caregiver Kathleen Henderson, her pets Kramer, Shelby & Coby and her granddog Scout. Mrs. Pratko was a member of Bayonne Concerned Citizens and Maidenform Retiree Club. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Bayonne Feral Cat Foundation, PO Box 4111, Bayonne NJ 07002 or Disabled American Veterans, PO Box 14301, Cincinnati OH 45250. Funeral arrangements by CAIOLA-STELLATO Funeral Home, 691 Avenue C.
101, died on July 11, 2016 at the Seasons Hospice House in Rochester, Minnesota. Virginia is now reunited with her husband Jim, her parents John and Genevieve Coffey, her three brothers Edward, Thomas and Robbie, four sisters Margaret, Helen, Marian and Gert, her son-in-law Bob and her great-grandson Tariq. She graduated from the Academy of Saint Aloysius and New Jersey State Teachers College and began her life-long love of teaching in both the parochial and public schools of Bayonne. She married James M. Kerwan on December 26, 1939. Virginia was a wife, mother, primary school teacher and devout Roman Catholic. Throughout her life she devoted herself to serving her family, the community of St. Andrew’s church and the Bayonne community in a multitude of ways. She was especially proud of the many hours she accumulated after her retirement, serving as a volunteer at Bayonne Hospital. She is survived by her four children; Eddie (Bridgett) Kerwan, Lititz, PA; Maribeth Collins Neshanic Station, NJ; Peg Creagan, Rochester, MN; and Mike (Peggy) Kerwan, Novi, MI. Her grandchildren Patti, Richard, Deirdre, Meg, Kathleen, Mary Jane, Amy, Krissy, Jay, Edward, Matt, Adam, Jaime and Kevin and 17 great-grandchildren. In lieu of flowers, memorials preferred to Madonna Towers or Seasons Hospice of Rochester, Minnesota. Funeral arrangements by MAHN FAMILY Funeral Home, Rochester Chapel, 1624 37th St. NW Rochester, MN 55901.
74, passed away on July 1, 2016, at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, with her family by her side. Elaine was born in Bayonne, and has resided in Jersey City most of her life. She was a Purchasing Manager for Bell Atlantic/Verizon in East Orange for many years. She was a longtime active member of Mount Pisgah A.M.E. Zion Church of Jersey City serving on the Stewardess Board and the Ruth Missionary Society. She was predeceased by her parents Ruth (nee: Scott) and Joseph Pegeron. Wife of Vernon J. Harrison. Mother of Tia Harrison, Gena Harrison-Squires and her husband Danny, Vernon Harrison, Jr. Grandmother of Tasia, Teana, Roya, Wesley, Taylor, Vernon, Cedric, Jaylen, Marquise and Hanifah. Great-Grandmother of Tristyn, Aiden, Rashawn Jr. and Adriana. Loving Sister of Henry Pegeron, Glenda Pegeron, Claudia Spann, Adrian Pegeron, Roberta Wilson, Carroll E. Pegeron, Albertha Pegeron, and the late Joseph E. Pegeron, Charles Pegeron, Verna Jenkins. Sister-In-Law of Christine Harrison, Gladys Pegeron, Catherine Pegeron and Timothy Wilson. Funeral arrangements by G. KEENEN O’BRIEN Funeral Home, 984 Avenue C.
