WORDS BY CAT FORSYTH
“Because they deal with such severe psychiatric conditions, these medications can have some pretty intense side effects.”
Content warning: This article discusses body image issues, depression and anxiety.
Recently, I was getting some laser hair removal and was asked if I was taking any regular medications. Places like that always ask if you take any antidepressants, which I do, and I feel perfectly comfortable disclosing that. However, whenever asked about routine meds, I’d always be shy to admit that I (used to) take antipsychotics.
The word ‘antipsychotic’ sounds pretty serious. I think because we, as a society, are so afraid of the word ‘psychotic’. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that the term ‘antipsychotic’ should be taken lightly, but I do wish that there was less of a stigma regarding the topic.
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I used to take antipsychotic medication, but I’ve never experienced psychosis. For five years, along with my cocktail of various psychiatric medications, I took two different kinds of antipsychotics. The reason I was prescribed these medications – despite the name – was not for psychosis. The aim was to stabilise my mood and assist with sleep.
Depression and anxiety (along with most mental illnesses) manifest in a variety of ways from person to person. While some may experience an inability to sleep, others may find it too challenging to wake up or confront getting out of bed. In the early days of my time spent unwell, I would lie in bed from 10pm until around 5am in the morning, with very little time spent sleeping. I would go walking around my neighbourhood while the sun was rising in an attempt to achieve any sense of calm.
Eventually, my depression worsened and began to eclipse my anxiety, which had previously been the most pressing issue. It became clear I needed some serious intervention. My psychiatrist suggested trying out an antipsychotic drug called Quetiapine, which would essentially knock me out. It was to help me finally get some restorative sleep – and hopefully rest my desperately exhausted brain.
Soon after I began the first antipsychotic drug, I was prescribed a second one. My doctor added Lurasidone into the mix – this one was primarily to stabilise some major mood swings, and would also aid with sleep.
Both of these medications had massive positives and negatives for me. They’re both heavy-duty antipsychotic drugs, largely used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (neither of which I had). Because they deal with such severe psychiatric conditions, these medications can have some pretty intense side effects.
The most drastic side effect I experienced was weight gain. Although I was assured it was normal given the high dosage I was on, I still found the whole experience pretty distressing. My body didn’t feel like my body, and I struggled greatly with negative thoughts about my self-image.
I remember this period as a bit of a black hole. I remember patches and glimpses but overall, it’s pretty grainy. I spent most of my time in bed, whether I was sleeping or not. For those years, I barely left the house, let alone my bedroom.
My cognition completely diminished: my memory, ability to string coherent thoughts together, and decision-making capacities all broke down, and my speech slowed to the point of almost slurring. Essentially, I wasn’t myself – or at the very least, the ‘me’ that I recognise today.
After a few years on these potent medications, my dosage was finally lowered. I eventually came down to the lowest dose possible of 12.5 milligrams but still found I had trouble waking up every morning. I felt a bit zombie-like throughout the day. I discussed this with my doctor, who suggested I come off one of the antipsychotic medications entirely. This felt like a big step – I’d made so much progress with my overall mental health, but sleep was still an issue.
With the help of my psychologist, I began to feel like I could cope without the heavy-duty drugs. We tapered off the medication gradually until I didn’t take it at all anymore, and I felt the effects pretty quickly. I was able to wake up to my alarm in the morning, which I’d previously always slept through. I also didn’t need to nap in the evening – an annoying habit I’d taken up because of the afternoon lethargy.
Just like beginning on these medications gave me some strange side effects, I’ve had some weird experiences coming off them, too. An influx of fuzzy, previously-hidden memories came flooding back and my head actually felt less heavy. I began waking up with a burst of energy, rather than lying in bed for hours after the alarm went off. Most importantly, I felt like ‘myself’ again – a feeling I hadn’t identified with for the years that I was taking the meds.
Overall, my experience taking antipsychotics was a pretty tumultuous journey. I had some massive ups and downs. In saying that, I believe these medications saved my life and I’m grateful I had a team who did everything they could to ensure I was safe.
If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
