9 August 2012
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I’m dubbing it the “bushlash”. After 15 years in which the bikini wax has gone from being the preserve of porn stars to something that women’s magazines imply is almost mandatory for anyone with two X chromosomes, the case for the humble pubic hair is finally being made.
Earlier this month, family physician Dr Emily Gibson argued that being waxed-to-the-max increases the risk of infection and sexually transmitted diseases. Writing for the health website KevinMD.com, she said that the long list of lovelies that make their home more happily in a hairless hoohah include staphylococcus aureus and its even more delightful relative, MRSA. And to put you off your dinner completely, she’s seen staph boils, abscesses and cellulitis on her patients’ privates, while other doctors claim that being hair-free makes you more prone to herpes.
Not that you would know this from the press the Brazilian (which leaves a goatee) or the Hollywood (everything off) receive. Coughing up £20 for 15 minutes of pain and indignity has been sold to women — and a growing number of men — as the hygienic choice. Bald good, furry bad.
Take the website of the Ministry of Waxing, a chain which proudly declares it has trimmed more than 2.5 million bushes across the globe. For reasons I can’t quite fathom, the opening screen on its website features orang-utans working on a production line while proclaiming such gems as “Life would be better without bush” and “Basic oral hygiene begins with a Brazilian wax”. Gibson begs to differ, of course.
There are two messages that bother me even more, though. Our orang-utan slaves (perhaps the company wants you to think you’ll look like them if you don’t use its services) declare “Hairless = happiness”. Well, last time I checked, having your pubes pulled out was no fast-track path to euphoria.
And then there’s the killer line: “If you want to sell the house, you’ve got to mow the lawn” — because ultimately what these treatments are really sold on is attracting men. But where are these John Ruskins who find pubic hair such a libido extinguisher that they demand their partners’ privates match those of a prepubescent? I’d say the few who exist aren’t worth getting naked with.
In recent years, the war on body hair has opened up on ever more fronts, with Veet the Agent Orange of this conflict. And it’s a battle which is attracting ever younger recruits: although Ministry of Wax won’t get friendly with the follicles of anyone under 16 without an adult’s permission, other beauticians say girls as young as 12 now want to be waxed.
The moment has clearly come for a bushlash. Let’s put the fuzz back into our fuzz boxes.
Spoof is proof you’re a star, KP
It seems Kevin Pietersen’s many talents do not include being able to laugh at himself. The cricketer has instructed his lawyers to shut down a spoof Twitter account
(@kevpietersen24) which he suspects someone in the England camp is running. A critic might suggest it has irked him so much because the author is hitting a little close to home, with that industrial-sized ego the running gag: “The World hasn’t experienced genius like KP’s over the last few days since an apple fell on Isaac Newton’s head.”
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I’ve always had a soft spot for Pietersen, but he should recognise this as the compliment it is. These days, there is no surer sign that you are a superstar than someone investing all that time in sending you up. He might even want to point that out at his next IPL negotiations.
Armed forces are heroes of these Games
One group that hasn’t been praised nearly enough for the part it has played in the past 13 days is the armed forces. At Eton Dorney for the rowing heats on the first Saturday of the Games, the members of the military I met were professional and efficient, yet friendly and funny — and everyone I know who managed to get a ticket for an event has said the same. That’s despite the forces being drafted in late to fix the failings of G4S, meaning many had to sacrifice a holiday or leave.
Even more brutally, these are the same servicemen and women currently facing a round of redundancies. Perhaps Guilty 4 Shambles could be made to hire all of those laid off workers.
Those poor souls at Eton
The medal for the most unpopular comment of the Games from a member of Team GB should probably go to hurdler Lawrence Clarke.
Timed just as it emerged that the Government had approved the sell-off of more than 20 school playing fields, Clarke — or rather Charles Lawrence Somerset Clarke, heir to a baronetcy, as the newspapers generously noted — suggested he was put at a “disadvantage” by being educated at Eton, rather than a state school. Apparently, the wall game and all that academic rigour don’t equip you particularly well for athletics.
So should its head master fear an Eton exodus? Well, the school has spawned the Prime Minister, the man being tipped as his heir in the Tory party and a total of 20 current MPs. Alongside those hallowed playing fields, it also now boasts a dream rowing lake. I suspect there will still be many parents happy for their children to be put at such a disadvantage.
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