The Life of a Non-Brony

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Twilight licks her lips and braces herself for whatever is about to come. She cracks her neck and looks over at all of her friends. "Okay, girls... and TD, I'm not totally sure what's going to happen when he's released, but we'd better be prepared for anything. He's likely not going to be happy that he's in stone for a third time."

I groan and rub my temples. I feel a steadily mounting pressure behind my eyes, and I don't like it. "For goodness sakes," I grumble.

What am I doing here? I sigh and watch the Mane Six discussing strategy about how best to go about this. It seems Fluttershy will be a linchpin in their plans. Celestia asks me to reform the god of chaos right after the whole Mirror Pool incident alongside Cheerilee. So what, we don't have any magical artifacts, and I'm not beholden to Celestia...

Hmm... I hadn't thought about that before.

What do I do if I don't want to do this? Just because Celestia asked, should I go ahead and ignore the sinking feeling that I have and the increasing feeling of "I do not care about this?"

Well...

"Alright." Twilight ignites her horn and the gem on her Element begins to glow. "Here it comes, girls! Be ready for--"

"Wait, wait, wait!"

Twilight's horn powers down and so do the Elements. She frowns and looks over at me like I've lost my mind. "What is it, TD? Are you not ready, or something?"

"You're gosh darned right I'm not," I grumble. I sling Reginald over my shoulder and look down to Cheerilee. "That bar is still open. Let's hit it and forget this nonsense."

The Elements gasp in unison and even Cheerilee raises her eyebrow. "TD, you can't just leave this now!" Twilight cries. "We're about to release an ancient chaos god for the sake of reformation! We really need your help!"

"Oh yeah? How? Why?" I give Twilight a slight glare. "Look, it's great that you want to reform this joker and all. It's a noble cause that I support in full and if you need a donation I'll put some coins in the coin box when you come through, but let me be frank on my position here." I cross my arms. "I don't want to come across as conceited, but it's not really my business. It's Celestia's plan. I don't have some magical necklace that can rein him in if he gets too out of control, and neither does Cheerilee." I glance over at Cheerilee who is looking at me with a marked interest. I know her. She's pretty perplexed as to why Celestia would ask a random school teacher to reform a chaos god, even if she did fight well in a large battle. "Which leads me to one conclusion: Celestia is using Cheerilee and I as chess pieces. On my world, the nerdiest of us call it a 'Batman Gambit.'"

"Y'all ain't a chess piece ta Princess Celestia, TD," Applejack snaps. "She wouldn't give ya somethin' she didn't think you could handle."

"But that's just the thing: why should I handle it? I have no personal stake in this!" I groan and shake my head, cutting off Twilight who is about to speak. "I get it: it'd be great if he was reformed, but I don't see why that's a job for either Cheerilee or myself. I have had quite enough adventures both today and in the past six years. I know what this guy is like." I glare at the statue. "He threw a racism-inducing paint bomb at me. I'm not willfully inducing contact with him."

"TD I'm surprised at you!" Rarity stomps in my direction and glares at me. "Princess Celestia has asked you to do this as a way to help all of Equestria!"

"Uh-huh, I get that." I return her glare with one of my own. "But if she really wanted my help she should have been a little more straightforward with me about what exactly she wanted. This bizarre vagueness, while admittedly completely characteristic of her, isn't something that's endearing her tasks to me. If she wanted me to help, she should have just told me why."

"TD, I'll admit that Princess Celestia can be a little vague sometimes about what she requires from us, but if she requested the help of you and Cheerilee then there is a very good reason!" Rarity's eyes narrow and she takes another step towards me. "Walking away now is both selfish and rude!"

"Oh give me a break!"

All of us turn to the source of the voice, and to my surprise, it was Cheerilee who had spoken. She is giving Rarity her own glare, something that caused Rarity to drop hers. Cheerilee walks on front of me and goes snout-to-snout with Rarity. "If anyhuman deserves some time off it's TD. After everything he's gone through, I don't see why Princess Celestia had to add this to his plate too. It's asking too much of him, especially since he isn't one of her subjects. If TD wants to sit this one out, I think he has every right to."

Whoa.

Go Cheerilee.

I shrug and take a step towards the bar. "You can't talk me out of this. I realize that she asked, but, let's be honest here, I really, really do not want to do this, and I don't have superweapons aiding me. I'm sorry, girls, but I'm sitting this one out."

"TD, I'm surprised at you!" Twilight cries. "We need your help! Princess Celestia specifically asked for the two of you."

I nod at her. "Yep. Like I said: Batman Gambit. I personally see it as Celestia viewing Cheerilee and I as chess pieces." I cross my arms. "And I don't want to be a chess piece against something that splattered me with trippy racism-inducing paint. If you really, really, really need me, come find me. Otherwise..." I grasp Reginald and begin walking towards the bar. Is it a bit mean and rude of me to just walk off like this? Yeah, I can't deny that, but again, I don't see what I can do. Discord's going to behave better if the ponies he has to go against have superweapons around their necks. Otherwise Cheerilee and I are just going to be targets for him.

Speaking of which...

I turn back around and look at Cheerilee. I incline my head towards the bar. "You coming, Cheerilee? You wanna sit this one out too?"

Cheerilee sighs and gives a single nod. "If you don't want to do it then I don't see any reason why I should be involved either." She turns to the Mane Six and gives them a sad smile. "I'm sorry, girls, but I think that I'd just be in the way."

With that, Cheerilee trots to catch up to me and we walk into the bar together, leaving the baffled Mane Six behind with the statue and all of the trouble that it causes.

I open up the second door to the bar and allow Cheerilee to walk in first. She smiles and thanks me, and I walk in after her. Inside the bar is about a dozen ponies all relaxing, drinking, and chatting with each other. I smile at the scene. It's exactly what I need after everything that has happened over the past few days.

We go a little ways in and see Lyra Heartstrings standing behind the bar making drinks for the one or two ponies who are sitting at the bar. She smiles at the two of us and motions to two empty chairs at the counter. I nod back and the two of us make our way to the chairs and sit down.

"Afternoon, you two." Lyra puts two napkins down in front of us. "What can I get for you?"

"Double scotch on the rocks," Cheerilee says with more than a hint of fatigue. If I had to guess, everything that happened yesterday was getting to her a little bit too. She still has a bandage on her face from the fight.

I am about to give my order to Lyra when I notice that Lyra's ear is wrapped up in bandages too. I frown and cock my head. "That come from the fight?"

Lyra smirks and looks in the direction of the wounded ear. "Sure did. I know that you weren't there for the aftermath, but most of us had nicks and scratches. I got this from you when you took a guard spear and stabbed it at me." She shrugs. "Just a little cut. Managed to dodge in time that it only took a small bit off the top."

My own expression falls and my stomach clenches. So my clones did some damage to the Ponyvillians, huh? Great. That's just freaking great. Ponies getting hurt because of me. Lovely. I mean yeah, Cheerilee obviously has a cut on her face that I'm sure will leave a nice scar under her fur, but I didn't know that most of Ponyville that went to the fight got injured. Lyra must have noticed my demeanor because her smile turns comforting and she puts a hoof on my hand.

"Hey, we were all glad to do it. You didn't intentionally fall into that pool, and your evil side took Spike and Scootaloo. There weren't any casualties, just a few bad cuts here and there."

"And you lost part of your ear," I grumble.

Lyra snorts and rolls her eyes as she illuminates her horn and takes a bottle of scotch off of the shelf behind her. "Oh however shall I survive?! I lost one tenth of my ear in a large battle where I helped save Canterlot and the princesses and now have a badflank battle scar to show off to stallions!" Lyra tilts her head back and drapes her foreleg over her forehead. "Whatever shall I do?!"

I grimace at her and cross my arms. "I still don't want anypony getting hurt because of my actions."

"They weren't your actions, TD, they were his." Lyra pours the scotch and the ice into a crystal glass and puts it down on Cheerilee's napkin. "This kind of thing is about the worst of it that any of us got. There weren't any fatalities. At very worst some of us had to get three or four stitches." Lyra shrugs. "I don't think it's that big of a deal, and neither do any of the others that I’ve talked to." Lyra's gives me a confident smile and puts the scotch back on the shelf. "Besides, we're all national heroes! Word on the street is that there's going to be a large stained glass window in our honor. I'd trade a little more of my ear for that."

I grunted and waved my hand. "No, let's not, okay? You lost enough of it."

"I'm sure I did." Lyra shrugs and motions back to the shelf of alcohol. "What can I get you?"

"Screwdriver."

"Coming right up."

Cheerilee and I sit in silence for a few moments while Lyra makes my drink. Cheerilee takes a few sips of her scotch and shudders when she feels the burning liquid go down her throat. She still gives a pleasant smile, though, so I know she liked the kick. However, her smile falls just as quickly as it comes, and I can tell there's something on her mind.

"TD?"

"Yeah?"

"Speaking of wounds received in the Battle of Canterlot, I take it you've noticed the bandage on my face." Cheerilee takes a small breath and glances over at me. "And I can guess that you can gather how I got it."

I grunt and rub my temples. "I'd rather not guess. I don't like to think of anybody hurting you."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Cheerilee give another small smile, but once again it fades rather quickly.

"I know you can gather generalization, but I was talking more specifically in this instance." She puts her hoof on the bandage. "Do you know the exact chain of events that led to this scratch?"

I shake my head, but before I can answer, Lyra is back with my drink and a small bowl of peanuts which Oswald happily digs into. She sets the drink in front of me and I take a sip before answering. "No, I can't say that you've told me yet. We haven't had a lot of time to talk."

"Naturally." Cheerilee grimaces, leans back in her chair, and crosses her forelegs. "TD, the clone of you that gave me this scratch wasn't wielding a weapon, his left hand was a tiger paw."

Ah, yes... I think I can see what she's getting at now. I grimace and I don't have to be an expert in reading mares to know that Cheerilee knows that I know what she's getting at.

"TD, why did one of your clones have a tiger paw? Was that a feature that the Mirror Pool gave them?"

"Er..." I uneasily stir my screwdriver with the tiny straw and a hint of a blush appears on my face. I chance a glance at her and instantly regret it when I see that she's looking sternly at me. I realize that I can't get out of it. I sigh and bow my head.

"No. It wasn't. It's something that they got from me. I picked it up during my travels, and I think that you can guess where."

Cheerilee nods. "I think so."

I click my tongue and rest my left arm on the bar. "Yeah..." with a burst of green flame, my left arm now is now a perfect representation of Cheerilee's foreleg. Cheerilee's eyes widen, and she slowly reaches out a hoof to poke my changed arm.

"That's quite the ability, TD," she says quietly. I turn my head fully towards her and my stomach clenches when I see that she has a look of hurt on her face. "But why didn't you tell me? You told me every detail about your travels but you neglected to leave out that your left arm has changeling powers?"

"Left arm, right shoulder and leg, and some of my face," I mutter.

Cheerilee closes her eyes and flattens her ears with a quiet, pained sigh. "TD, why didn't you trust me with that? I assume that Twilight and her friends know?"

I give a single nod. "And the Crusaders and princesses."

Cheerilee grunts and facehooves. "And you just decided not to tell your best friend?! Why?! I thought that you trusted me more than that, TD." I don't say anything. I merely change my arm back to normal, allowing Cheerilee to put her hoof on my hand. "TD, you have shapeshifting powers. That's quite a significant part of your trip! You just decided to tell Twilight and her friends, but I'm so worried about you that when you come back I punch you in the face and you don't tell me a rather significant detail that you gave out to others? Why?"

Well, let's just say that I feel like a total idiot now. Should I have told Cheerilee about my changeling powers? In hindsight yes. I know that I can't justify any decision that I gave, especially since I told Twilight and friends but not her. As a mare that I do see as one of my closest friends... yeah, I can see why that would hurt her. I sigh and force myself to keep eye contact with her.

"Well..." I click my tongue. "Gosh this sounds stupid now, but... I was worried how you'd take it. After the changeling invasion of Canterlot, they don't quite have the best reputation around here and I didn't want you to get freaked out. Twilight and Co. were all a little unnerved, and Princess Celestia shot me with a beam of magic when she found out."

Cheerilee snorts and rolls her eyes. "Oh come on, TD. I'm a big mare. I can handle seeing that a friend of mine whom I haven't seen for six years has come back with changeling powers."

I actually manage a snort and a smirk with that. It shows that Cheerilee is still taking this with a touch of humor and isn't one hundred percent mad at me. Just eighty percent mad at me and fifteen percent hurt that I didn't trust her enough to tell her.

And yeah, I'm feeling pretty rotten about it.

"I guess I don't really have any excuses. I can only say that I'm sorry, Cheerilee." This time I can't help but not meet her gaze. "I can't say much else."

Cheerilee gives me a small, sad smile and puts a hoof on my arm. "I forgive you, TD, but just tell me next time, okay?"

That gets a smile out of me, and I can't help but snort. I look up at her and give her my best smirk. "Alright, I'll tell you the next time that I gain shapeshifting powers."

Cheerilee looks at me flatly and crosses her forelegs. "Not good enough, TD. You have to tell me next time you gain any type of special powers." She narrows her eyes and pokes my chest. "I'm not giving you a loophole that easily."

I giggle and go to take a sip of my screwdriver, but decide to eschew my straw and drink it straight from the glass. It's too tiny of a straw anyway.

"I was hoping you'd forget it. With the rate I gain superpowers, I would have the means to not tell you about any of them."

"Oh?" Cheerilee puts down her glass and raises an eyebrow at me. "And what other superpowers are you hiding from me? You have a wildly improved physique, changeling powers, two or three fighting styles under your belt, you're a more accomplished blacksmith, and all that on top of the sarcasm powers you already had when you came here. What other powers are you hiding from me?"

I raise my hands in mock-indignation. "Why madam, I'm hiding no more powers from you! Those that you have mentioned are the only ones that I can think of off the top of my head."

Cheerilee's eyes narrow and she points a hoof at me. "That had better be true, TD. I wouldn't want to have to get angry at you all over again."

Good, she's happier now. Would I say she's completely over the hurt? No, but she recognizes that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to hurt her and I'll do better next time, so she doesn't feel the need to press the issue. On top of that, now we're joking about the whole thing, thus easing the tension that there was beforehand.

Kind of reminds me of the arguments that I used to get in with my family back home, only... er... with a pony, I guess.

Of course, that is the moment that Lyra chooses to walk by to reveal that she's been listening in on the whole thing. She has a smirk on her face, and as she walks by she snorts.

"Sheesh. Just kiss already, you two."

As my dear friend Fluttershy would say...

Eep!

"We're just friends, Lyra!" Cheerilee and I say at the exact same time, much to my relief. However, that doesn't erase the blushing that we're both doing.

So yeah... that happened.

Cheerilee and I both clear our throats and avoid eye contact for a few moments. It's hard to think of something to say after the local bartender insists that you have an inter-species kiss with your best friend.

Well, uh, let's move on.

Cheerilee seems to agree with that, as she takes a longer sip of her drink and glances out the window of the bar. "So, how do you think that the Elements are doing?"

Grateful for the subject change, I take a long pull from my own drink and shrug. "Eh, they've probably reformed him by now already. Celestia will come down from Canterlot and give them a job well done, give Twilight a gold sticker on her report for the week, and that'll be that. Celestia will have more superweapons at her disposal."

"TD, I hardly think that Princess Celestia only wants Discord reformed for military purposes."

I shrug and take another sip of my drink. "Maybe so, but it would be a deterrent, wouldn't it?" I put my drink down and cross my arms. "Think about it. Celestia is a master psychologist. If Discord is reformed through friendship and forms an emotional attachment to any of us, then if Equestria is threatened by war, then Discord is going to do everything within his considerable powers to make sure the war either doesn't happen or we win handily before any of us can get hurt."

Cheerilee doesn't respond to that particular line of thought, but I can tell from her expression that she doesn't think that I'm completely wrong per se. Instead she merely drains the rest of her glass and taps the bar to signal to Lyra that she wanted a refill. I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Two double scotches? Geez, Cheers, are you more skilled at drinking than I surmised?"

"I went to college, TD," Cheerilee replies evenly, "and even after I graduated I learned that there are just some days when the students act up, you have a ton of paperwork, and the superintendent is breathing down your neck to get more work than you think you're capable of done in a time shorter than you'd like. I'm no alcoholic, but every few months I'll have a few drinks with dinner or after grading stacks of papers."

"After? Never before?"

"Before once. Never again," she replies, flattening her ears in embarrassment, "but enough about that. I'm curious as to why you didn't want to help with Discord. I understand that you dislike that Princess Celestia sees you as a chess piece, but is there more to it than that?"

I sigh and rub my temples. Truth be told, I didn't come in here to have a conversation about this, but she asked, and after the whole arm thing I'm not just going to say no.

"Yeah, there is." I lean back in my chair and drain the rest of my drink before continuing. "I don't want to be a central player in the events of this world."

Cheerilee tilts her head and looks at me quizzically. "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? Well, hmm..." I tap my chin thoughtfully. "Everybody makes an impact on the world around them in some way, right? Well, I don't quite want my impact to be on any larger of a scale than it already is. You know what all I did. I walked into two separate countries and without even wanting to changed the political and in one case socioeconomic landscape of the country for years, decades, heck, maybe even forever! I won a Schunie death match, and if I ever go back I'll be almost revered by the beings that live there. Griffonia is probably off-limits for me for the rest of my life, given what was happening when I left there."

"So what does all of that have to do with this?"

"It's that I came back to this country to get some peace and quiet and not have to deal with that kind of thing anymore. Look around you." I motion to the other patrons of the bar. "Do you think they worry about the semantics of how to reform chaos gods or repel changeling invasions? No, they don't. Most, if not all, of them have a simple, quiet life, and that's why I came back to Ponyville. Just because I'm a human who is living here, is very world wise, and has ties to the Elements doesn't mean that I have to be involved in every single big thing that goes on here. Something kidnaps a foal and we have to go kick their plots? I'm all for that because that is hopefully simple and I'm not being used. I'm doing it of my own free will without orders from Celestia."

Cheerilee looks at me thoughtfully for a few moments, chewing over what I have to say. I can gather that it's an odd thing coming from me, Mr. Traveled All of the Known World, but if she thinks about it it should make sense.

"Now, I'm not disagreeing with your perception at all, TD," Cheerilee says after a few more moments, "but there is one thing that interests me. You say that Princess Celestia isn't your princess, but you live here, follow our laws, would presumably be tried in our courts if you broke them, have been given all of the rights of a citizen, and plan to continue living here for the rest of your life." Cheerilee takes a restrained sip of her drink before continuing. "Of course you weren't born here, but, and do forgive me for saying so, knowing you, if you have everything else in place, isn't Princess Celestia... sort of your princess?"

I pause with my hand halfway up to order another drink as my mind registers her argument. Was I an Equestrian subject if all of those elements were in place? If I was, that did make Celestia my princess. Hmm. There was only one logical way to handle that.

"Cheerilee, I'll agree to forgive you for saying so if you agree never to say so again."

Was she wrong? Maybe, but I didn't want to think about it that way. Celestia didn't see me as one of her subjects, and that was good enough for me.

Well, maybe she didn't see me as her subject to my face, but if push came to shove and she really felt like she needed to give me an order, would she play that card? Yeesh. I don't want to think about it. I wave my hand to signal to Lyra to get me another screwdriver. Once she does, I feel free to start up the conversation again.

"Anyway, you can see my point about it, right? You guys are all my friends. Some ponies, like you for instance, are really close to me, like the friends I had on Earth." I take a sip of my drink as a thought enters my mind. "Maybe I want to get a halfway decent job, settle down and... start a family maybe? Who knows." I shrug. "Not sure how that last one would work exactly, but stranger things have happened to me."

AKA, everything else in the universe.

"What I don't want to do is get involved in the dealings of gods." I put my glass back down and give Cheerilee a knowing look. "And you don't either, I'll wager?"

Cheerilee smiles and finishes her drink. She puts her glass down and shakes her head. "Not at all, TD. I'm like you. I teach foals in a small town and that's just the way I like it. I was offered a teaching post in Manehattan when I graduated top of my class, but I turned them down to come here. I couldn’t live in the city."

At that moment, the ground vibrates, and I hear the unmistakable laugh of none other than Discord himself right outside the bar, followed by Twilight saying something to him. Cheerilee glances out the window of the bar. "It sounds like they're doing something quite interesting out there. Want to go take a look?"

I snort and pick up my glass for another sip.

"Cheerilee, my friend. There is literally nothing I'd rather do less right now."

Author's Note:

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that TD has an antagonistic relationship with Celestia, who is voiced by Nicole Oliver, and he is best buddies with Cheerilee who is voiced by... Nicole Oliver?

Yes? Just me? Okay. Good.