I thought we had the perfect marriage… but then I found his WhatsApp messages.
Should I stay with my cheater husband? You’ve had a shock, says our elder. Take time to grieve before you decide what to do.
Dear EWC
My best friend of 13 years and husband of three years has been messaging and seeing trans women. We have had the perfect love story and perfect marriage thus far. It is pure, he loves me so much and does so much for me, and I have shaped him into a better man. We have never had any issues except shortly after marriage our sex life was quite dull. We would only have sex once or twice a month but when we did it was good it was passionate. I just figured he’s not much of a sexy guy and I didn’t mind once or twice a month as that’s what I got accustomed to with our busy schedules.
Early this week we had finished up playing tennis and I needed his phone to transfer a picture to myself on WhatsApp. I noticed a chat with a picture of a woman an unknown number and I proceeded to open the chat. He asked her, hey how much for your time? I immediately asked him what is this ? He was hesitating and said it’s just for waxing. I knew he was lying because he doesn’t wax; he does laser hair removal. He was panicking and starting to drive fast at this point, and I wanted to get home safe. I Googled the number and it turned out to be an escort from a local ‘shemale escort’ website. Once we got home he admitted this is something he does when he masturbates to finish off. That he messages and blocks them immediately after the message. Of course I don’t believe him. I’m furious. I check his blocked list and there are several more local escorts he had messaged and blocked. I could not retrieve those messages.
He went to work that night so I decided to check his emails. I noticed five years ago he was subscribed to ‘shemale porn’. I also noticed an email from before we got married. In that email he had responded to a Craigslist ad that said “horny shemale looking for young student”. He sent his pics and number. I confronted him and he continued with the same story but was crying, begging and pleading that he will seek help, to not leave him, that I’m the best thing that has happened to him, etc, etc. He assured me he didn’t see anyone during marriage and it was just once before marriage. He’s unable to explain to me why he goes to trans women.
The following day I told him I’m going to have you do a lie detector test so it’s better you tell me now if you have seen any trans women during our marriage. He admitted to see one in November. I am broken and completely shattered. I feel like there’s more. I feel like this can continue — how can a man suddenly drop and change his habits? I don’t want to check his phone and location constantly for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be this miserable person. I don’t know if I can forgive him. I don’t know if I eventually should.
We were planning to start trying for kids soon but there is absolutely no way that I would want that now and it makes me furious that such a big plan of my life is being put away. He says he’s attracted to me like I said when we have sex it’s great but then why is he going outside and seeking something else? I am so lost I don’t know who to talk to because everyone loves him and is close with him and it’s an embarrassing situation. I just need to know you think this is something that will continue? Do you think I should walk out while I’m young and successful and not dependent or have any children? Please help me!
Folk replies
I can well understand your hurt and confusion. You’ve been with your husband for 13 years and thought you knew everything about him. Then you found out that he had cheated on you at least once with a trans woman escort. Although you still love your husband and he still loves you, you are not sure that you can just forgive him and move on. You are also not sure that you can trust him to stay away from trans women in the future. At this point, you are seriously considering leaving him; but before you make a final decision, you would like a second opinion about what to do from someone who is not emotionally involved.
It’s no wonder you are feeling shattered. As upsetting as this discovery must have been for you though, it’s important to remember that it does not mean that your husband doesn’t love you, isn’t attracted to you, or does not want to continue to be married to you. Nor does it change the fact that your husband has been your best friend for 13 years. What your discovery does mean though is that your husband is strongly sexually attracted to trans women. If his attraction to them were not a powerful one, he would not have risked discovery by having sex with them. So, although your husband may sincerely intend to keep his promise to get help and to stop seeing these women, it is a promise that he will very likely not be able to keep.
Sexual attraction is a part of who we are, but we do not get to choose who we are attracted to. I can’t tell you why your husband is attracted to trans women; I just know that he is. But this doesn’t make him a bad person. We all have our secrets, after all — private things about ourselves that we are too ashamed to share with others. Your husband did not tell you about his attraction to trans women because he was too embarrassed by it, the same way that you are too embarrassed to talk about it with any of your relatives or friends. Now though, he has finally opened up to you about his ‘secret life’. True, he did not tell you about it until you discovered the truth for yourself; and even then he did not admit to being with anyone after your marriage until you threatened him with a lie detector test. I’m afraid though that I suspect the same thing you do: that he has been with trans women more times than he has admitted to you.
You are probably wondering if this means your husband is gay or bisexual. It’s possible that he may be, but almost half of cisgender men who have relationships with trans women identify as heterosexual. Unsurprisingly, this is because they view trans women as women. In the end though, how your husband identifies sexually is not as important as the kind of man he is. Knowing what you now know about your husband, you now have to decide if he is the kind of man you want to be married to and have children with.
Your husband’s attraction to trans women is not something he chose — and it is not something he can change. He can choose not to act on this attraction, but the attraction itself will always be there. If you feel that you can accept your husband for who he is, you may choose to continue your marriage. If, however, you feel that you are unable to accept his attraction to trans women, you may choose to move on. There is no one choice here that is right for everybody. Only you know what you can happily live with and what you cannot. For what it’s worth, I can tell you that I don’t think I could live contently with a man who cheated on me with paid escorts — trans or otherwise. The temptation to cheat would always be there for him, and I would be afraid of his contracting an STD and passing it on to me. But, of course, you are not me, and you may feel very differently about the situation than I do.
I think you are facing a very tough decision. Up until very recently, you believed that you had the “perfect love story” and the “perfect marriage.” Right now, you may be mourning the loss of your dream of having the “perfect family.” I think you need to take some time to grieve what you have lost and to absorb the shock of your discovery. Once you have done this, I think you will know what you want to do.
I hope this helps. I am always here if you would like to talk more about this. Please write back and let me know how you are doing and what you decide to do. I will be rooting for you.
Letter #: 440727
Category: Dating/Relationship
