life
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do you think it’s a good idea to rely on escorts for sex? At least till I get better to the point of getting laid all by myself. I am currently quite inexperienced, socially un-calibrated and haven’t even kissed a girl. (age 23).
Advertisement
The general society seems to have a very negative attitude towards sex work. I don’t understand why. If sex is indeed such a primal need, why should its accessibility be judged? Isn’t it better if more people start getting laid?
Let me know, Doc.
Frantic and Frustrated
DEAR FRANTIC AND FRUSTRATED: For a fairly short letter, there’s a surprising amount to unpack here.
Let’s work our way backwards, shall we?
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that getting laid is a magical cure-all for the issues that many people have. Lots of people – well meaning, bright individuals – often assume that sex has magical curative properties that will heal whatever ails you, whether it’s low-self esteem, relationship problems, obsessive interest in non-mainstream activities, Internet addiction, anger issues, non-heteronormative attraction, non-vanilla fetishes and kinks, entitlement issues, or cancer.
(No, I’m really not kidding about that last one. You wouldn’t believe the emails I get from “Tantric Healers”.)
The problem is that, Marvin Gaye songs to the contrary, sex is sex. Having sex isn’t going to magically change you into something or someone you weren’t before; if you were a bundle of insecurities before you had sex, you’re going to still be a bundle of insecurities 30 minutes later. Now I do agree that more people having good sex would probably make the world a better place, but it’s more than just someone managed to achieve orgasm in the presence of another person.
But more on this in a second.
Now your question about sex workers is slightly more complicated. The disdain that some people have for sex-work is cultural, resulting on troublesome ideas about gender roles, conflicting ideas about sex and morality and an added bonus of popular stereotypes about the people who do sex work. Despite the cultural shifts towards increased sex positivity, we as a culture still tend to see sex – especially non-traditional, non heteronormative sex – as dirty and wrong. Men are often seen as bestial for wanting sex in excess to what is “proper” on the one hand even as we champion those who have lots of it on the other. Meanwhile, women who enjoy sex – especially kinky sex – are looked at with suspicion and disdain… often even when they’re in a traditional, monogamous relationship.
Thus, when it comes to sex work, we’re diving head first into a massive stew of our sexual issues. A man is supposed to have lots of sex because A Man Is Not A Virgin; therefore a man who has a hard time getting sex is less masculine. Paying for it is considered the ultimate shame – the person is SO unable to get laid that he is forced to purchase sex instead of getting it by dint of his desirability. The women who provide the sex in exchange for money, on the other hand, are seen alternately as scum or victims — occasionally both at the same time. Either they’re less than human, having fallen so low, or they’re the helpless victims with absolutely no agency of their own, caught in the cogs of an inexorable machine that grinds them down.
Please note very carefully that I said “women”. Male sex workers – while being far less common – aren’t subject to the same level of disdain that women are. James Deen stars in a movie with Lindsey Lohan and everybody is impressed with his professionalism and his acting ability. Sasha Grey stars in a movie by Stephen Soderbergh and everyone assumes that it’s stunt casting. Ron Jeremy had pop-culture cachet while April O’Neil is still “just” a porn star. We think of sex workers and the popular image is a downtrodden woman on the street-corner in fishnet stockings and pleather micro-mini’s, offering oral sex to strangers in order to get enough money for their next meth hit before meeting with her pimp. We DON’T think about escorts of either gender, who chose their careers and maintain their own independent business.
We as a society tend to automatically assume that someone who chooses sex work is someone who has no other choice – a woman who’s addiction to drugs or previous sexual abuse has lead her to this place, or who has been literally sold into sexual slavery. We don’t picture those women and men who may have chosen it of their own free will – some may like the money, some may enjoy the chance to express their sexuality and get paid for doing so and even those for whom it’s a job like any other… and one that often offers better hours and pay than, say, working at Starbucks or teaching.
(And that’s before we get into the subject about how we treat people who LEAVE sex-work; someone who did porn in their past gets shamed for having… stoped doing porn and gotten a mainstream job.)
TL;DR: the disdain for sex work has to do with how f
ked up we are as a culture over sex and gender. It says a lot about a country when we consider seeing a nipple more damaging than seeing someone get a hole the size of a chicken pot pie blown through that exact same breast.
Now, I’m pro sex-work in general, provided that it is safe, and consensual for everybody involved. I think that most of the laws regarding sex work and “sexual exploitation” victimize the sex workers needlessly and make it that much harder to actually combat trafficking — and I highly suggest that EVERYONE listen to the excellent episode on human trafficking from the You’re Wrong About podcast. I think if someone wants to visit a sex worker, whether that’s at a peep-show, a strip club, a massage parlor or an escort, that’s their business.
So with that in mind: I think relying on escorts – your words – is a bad idea for you.
I get that you’re anxious over your lack of experience, but going out and JUST getting laid isn’t going to help. Like I said earlier: you’re assuming that being inside another human being is going to magically solve these issues for you and it won’t. Frankly, what’s going to happen is that you’re going to find that you’ve got a crutch – a very expensive crutch – that will ultimately hinder your progress.
The fact that you’re a virgin at 23 is neither shameful nor terribly unusual. Some people get their start later than others and that’s ok. You’re no less of a man for being a virgin than someone else is for having lost their virginity at 17; in fact, a number of studies suggest that you actually have the advantage by starting at an age where you’re mature enough to handle the things better than most of us did in our teens.
Now, if it were just a case that you weren’t terribly hung up on what it MEANS to be a virgin at 23, if you just wanted to have the experience and get this whole “losing your virginity” thing out of the way… well, honestly, I’d say more power to you. Having your first time with someone who’s invested in your comfort and pleasure is hardly the worst experience in the world, and a damn sight better than a hook-up with someone you met at a bar who decided you’d do.
But that’s not what you’re looking for. The fact that you talk about “relying” on escorts is kind of a huge, blinking clue that this goes a little deeper than wanting to experience the physical act of sex and much more about how you feel about your ability to meet, date and sleep with women.
Visiting an escort will get the itch scratched, sure. But this isn’t going to be a substitute for going out and actually getting that experience you’re needing; in fact, you may well find that you’re using going to escorts as an excuse to NOT go out and meet women… and at anywhere from $300 a session on up, that’s going to be one damn expensive excuse.
This is one of those times where I think you’re better off working on yourself. While I don’t think visiting an escort is bad in and of itself, I think that it’s only going to make YOU feel worse about things. I strongly suspect that if you do, you’re going to feel like you “cheated” somehow or that you’ve done something so inexcusable that women would never love you if they knew.
(That’s not true… but nobody ever said thought processes like this were rational.)
The only way any of us learn is through experience, and that means going out there, talking to people, asking women out on dates, making mistakes and learning from them.
So save your money. Read through the column, read my books, watch the YouTube channel, learn what it takes to be someone women want to date. Make some mistakes. Risk getting your heart broken a couple times. You’ll be a better person for it in the long-run.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com
Advertisement
Advertisement
life
Help, I Have Way Too Much Body Hair!
by Harris O'Malley
Ask Dr. Nerdlove | August 5th, 2020
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:
I have a problem in that I have quite a hairy chest. It’s not so much Huge Jackman Wolverine as it is Teen Wolf. Now I can joke about it all I want by saying I put a towel down on my chest before having sex as it saves her on getting carpet burn, but it’s getting to a stage where both my male and female friends are saying that something needs to be done about it, but if I get something done I’d then be a ‘metro-fag’. Apart from their horrible flawed logic is there any thing you can advise as to what a Sasquatch can do?
Or even how a guy can go about shaping his personal appearance to make sure that he doesn’t scare off the girl with a weird-ass neck beard?
Wolf Like Me
DEAR WOLF LIKE ME: Let’s start with the obvious: your friends are a
holes. There’s absolutely nothing useful, helpful or otherwise productive about telling somebody that they have an issue, AND insulting them for trying to figure out a solution.
Quit listening to ’em and learn the fine art of manscaping.
You have a few options that vary in terms of time, commitment, cost and pain tolerance. To start with, you could always take things on as a DIY project and just trim that sucker yourself. Norelco, Braun and Phillips all have lines of body-groomers for men that specifically designed for taming body hair above and below the belt. Find one that works for you, set the clip guard and start trimming your chest hair down to something more maintainable.
Incidentally, you don’t want to just trim it all to one uniform length; that can end up looking a little weird and leave you looking disproportionate.
Trimming your chest hair to one length and the hair on your abdomen to a shorter one will also make your chest look larger and your stomach look smaller and leaner. Plus, trimming down the hair will help show off your definition.
A combination of trimming and a depilatory cream like Nair (who make a line of products for men now) will help get things under control. Just be careful; if you have sensitive skin, Nair can cause rashes and if you try to use it somewhere sensitive, it’s gonna sting like a mother.
If you’re so fuzzy (like, Robin Williams’ yeti-pelt fuzzy) that you can’t actually see skin, you may want to consider waxing. Yes, it’s going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch… and yet women get full Brazilians on the regular; you can handle getting your chest waxed. This sort of hair removal will leave you completely smooth chested for somewhere between two to six weeks, depending on your usual hair-growth patterns. You’ll need to do some due diligence afterwards with tweezers, toner and astringent; waxing can lead to ingrown hairs and there’s nothing quite like trying to deal with chest acne before a date.
Your other options involve permanent removal. Electrolysis is one method, zapping each individual hair follicle with electricity, killing the follicle dead. You would need multiple sessions to permanently remove the hair growth, especially if your chest-thatch is as thick as you say it is. It’s also currently the only way to permanently remove light-colored hair.
Laser hair removal is another option, but under limited conditions; you need a great deal of contrast between the hair and skin, as well as hair that has a decent level of pigment. Hair with little to no pigment (light blonde or red hair) isn’t going to respond to laster removal. And if you have light hair and light skin, you’re definitely not a good candidate for laser hair removal. On the other hand, if you have dark, coarse hair, especially if you have pale skin, you’re pretty much an ideal candidate. Plus, c’mon. It’s about as freaking sci-fi as it gets! Betting bombarded with lasers! It seems like you should sign a disclaimer claiming that you won’t get upset with them if you don’t develop superpowers.
Both electrolysis and laser hair removal are going to require multiple sessions, depending on the area being depilitated and both of ’em are gonna hurt. Which is going to hurt worse will depend on who you ask. Both methods carry some risk of scarring and both are gonna cost.
If you do go the laser hair removal, I’d recommend consulting with a dermatologist rather than going straight to the place that just opened up in the local strip mall. You want a doctor who’s performed thousands of procedures, not somebody with a degree from ITT tech and two weeks of training. Because, once again: lasers. You don’t want to have an amateur shooting lasers at you.
Or — and I realize this is a little outside the box — you could learn to love your thicket of fur. While I realize the media is still on the “virtually hair-free” kick for male celebrities, there are plenty of women out there who love them some hirsute men. Let’s not forget: Burt Reynolds was almost fuzzier than the bear-skin rug he posed on, and he was considered the epitome of masculine sexiness for quite some time.
But regardless of what direction you choose to go in… consider ditching your friends. You need a better class of confederates, and preferably ones who don’t casually drop slurs about gay men when you’re giving even the slightest consideration to your appearance.
Good luck.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I met a young lady through a dating app. We have a lot in common and after a bit of talking and flirting we met up to have a responsible social distance date. It went well and we had a couple more and have hung out a couple of times.
I like her (obviously), but after spending time with her in person I find myself not romantically attracted to her, while she is seems interested in me that way. We haven't been physical, just good times enjoying each other's company.
My question is this: how do I let her down easy without killing our friendship?
Sincerely,
Trying Not to be Shawn Michaels
DEAR TRYING NOT TO BE SHAWN MICHAELS: Serious question, my dude: has she actually said or done anything to make you think that she's interested in being more than friends? Has she, for example, talked about the possibility of you two getting physical, or floated the idea of ways that maybe you could have a slightly less distanced get-together? Or is this more of a (completely understandable) free-floating anxiety, a fear of hurting someone who you are coming to like as a friend?
I'm a big fan of not borrowing trouble from the future, especially if there's no reason to believe that there will be trouble in the future. If the two of you are just having a good time hanging out and nobody has started making comments about being more than friends, then I think having a "So just so you know, I don't want to date you" sort of conversation is going to feel like it came out of left field.
Now, if she has given indications that she wants more than friendship... well, that's where things get tricky. There really isn't a way to say "I like you, just not the way you want me to" that doesn't sting. But at the same time, letting someone believe there's a chance for more when there isn't is unnecessarily cruel, even if it's in the name of trying to avoid causing pain with an awkward conversation.
If you're legitimately interested in hanging out as friends, I don't know if there's a need for a preemptive "let's just be friends" speech. But if she does decide to call the question, then the answer is to be gentle and be honest. You really like her, you enjoy hanging out with her, you're glad you two have met and become friends, but you simply don't feel the same way. I would also suggest that you let her know: you sincerely want to stay friends, but if that doesn't work for her, you understand. Giving someone permission (as it were) to take care of themselves can sound weird and presumptive, but telling her you want her to prioritize her own emotional well-being is a kindness. Sometimes people — guys, gals and non-binary pals — need to be reminded that it's ok to take a little time to feel your feels when you've been turned down, instead of trying to immediately shift to a platonic friendship without pausing to acknowledge that it kinda sucks.
That is, of course, assuming that the issue ever comes up. It's entirely possible that she's on the same page as you and thinks that you are hoping for something more. And while I'm a big fan of using your words... a lot of times, if nobody actually makes a move to take things romantic, things tend to settle into the friendship it was always meant to be. And who knows; maybe down the line, you two will talk about how you all met and laugh about the fact that you were both convinced that the other had a huge crush.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com
Advertisement
life
Am I Too Petite To Be Hot?
by Harris O'Malley
Ask Dr. Nerdlove | August 4th, 2020
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m a tiny girl. And by tiny I mean, pretty flat, front and back. Weird saying this, I don’t even know you (but I value your words and love your blog– great job!). Anyway, so, I’m pretty bold when I like a guy. I will usually tell him, upfront and in-person. Unfortunately, I’ve only had the chance about three times to be this bold.
Other times, I’m held back by a… thing. Being a nerd, I hang out with nerd guys. And they all seem to be really into curvy girls. And that’s great! Girls of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, and I mean that. Despite self-esteem issues, I really try to stay fine with my own body type (I am twig-thin and am often accused of being “too thin”– I’m not, doctor says I’m healthy as a healthy horse, I promise), and am only shaken when confronted with the poisonous question of “Is what I have enough to please?” I guess I feel like there are fantasies I will never be able to fulfill for my guy (when he happens).
So recently, despite my previous forwardness, my confidence has dropped considerably because of eavesdropping on (I wasn’t really, I was actually RIGHT there) conversations in recent past workplaces (restaurant talk, what should I have expected?). Guys talking about how they at least need a “handful” … ok, well, guys tend to have bigger hands than ladies. Just sayin’. When I was younger, I used to Google search what guys thought of small girls, and the majority (though not all!) of my findings yielded glorious statements like, “I’m not a pedophile” or “Real men want real women with curves”, I was a wee bit crushed. I don’t feel like less of a woman because of it, just… less desirable. I was young and foolish, and while I know not to go looking for that stuff now, I was impressionable.
I’m also surrounded by curve-love (which is great, curves should be loved!) at conventions and other gatherings of geekdom (I tend to avoid comic book stores — some good experiences, but also some uncomfortable ones, as you’ve mentioned on your blog). While I appreciate curves, I always feel … ahaha, “under-dressed”? I’m terrified to cosplay most anyone (except Death from Gaiman’s “Sandman” – I love her).
I think to assume that NO guy likes small women is pretty low of me, but what are the odds that, in finding a guy who does (and him being a geek who is NOT into loli), he doesn’t end up disappointed? Or want something more? Am I worrying too much?
Thanks for reading,
Tempest in an A-Cup
DEAR TEMPEST IN AN A-CUP: You’re worrying yourself over nothing, ACoC.
Just as I’m always saying that women aren’t one monolithic hive-mind, neither are men. Guys are incredibly diverse in the body-types they go for. For every guy who goes nuts for Christina Hendricks’ hour-glass figure, there will be another who wouldn’t sleep with her with a rented penis and Kat Dennings cheering things on.
By the same token, dudes who like petite women aren’t just into the loli/jailbait look. Kirsten Bell – to pick a celebrity – is quite petite, but folks find her incredibly attractive. So too are Ariana Grande and Krysten Ritter. There are plenty of men who go nuts for petite women, just as there are plenty of guys who go for big beautiful women. The big problem – other than people body-shaming naturally thin women – is that younger guys often have a hard time owning up to their own preferences. There’s a lot of pressure for guys to conform to the “Gimme BOOBS” stereotype and someone who diverges from that image may not feel as though he can own his preferences.
Sadly, the only thing that helps in this case is for him to mature enough and become self-assured enough to not give a shit about what other people think and just embrace that he likes, whether it’s big ladies or wee ones.
Be careful relying on the Internet as a barometer for opinions; not only is it an echo-chamber, but it gives a distorted view of how people really feel. The loud folks can seem far more numerous than they actually are. On the one hand, you have guys saying that “you need a handful”. On the other, the French have a saying: “a smaller-breasted girl holds you closer to her heart”.
Sexiness is about attitude as much as it is anything else. One of my friends is insanely petite – to the point of having to shop in the juniors’ section as often as not. She’s had her share of boyfriends and admirers over the years and is now incredibly happily married. Part of what made her popular wasn’t her measurements but her personality. She has an appealing mix of punk-rock-don’t-give-a-f
k and Zoe-Deschanel-perkiness that won people over. With the right attitude, a 32 A-cup can be even more alluring than someone with Jayne Mansfield’s measurements. It’s all in how you present yourself as a holistic person.
And just a side note about cosplay: cosplaying as Death is going to get you plenty of admirers. You might also try Ninjette from Adam Warren’s series Empowered. There’s also a wide variety of anime characters that you might find appealing. But more than just matching their fictional measurements, cosplay is about how you feel about the character. Pick a character you love and rock it, bra size be damned.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com
Advertisement
Advertisement
