Audio By Carbonatix
May 31, 2016
By Mary Quimby
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas Travis got to have his cake and eat it too. Meanwhile Brandi Redmond and Stephanie Hollman officially fell for the newly sweetened version of LeeAnne Locken. Was it aspartame, or real sugar?
Travis‘ birthday is the most important day of the year next to Jesus’ birthday. In fact, Travis is like the second son born in the miracle manger. At least according to Stephanie. (And Travis.) Therefore this warrants a lavish, over-the-top affair in which Stephanie proves that importance that is Travis’ ego, so she decides to throw a a Gatsby-themed party to celebrate the living incarnate of holiness on earth. With Stephanie in charge, Travis is practically pooping his pants that he may end up with a party at Bounce It Out! where Brandi and Stephanie slurp Jesus Juice through booze googles while dry humping the slide.
Travis‘ anxiety increases when Stephanie mentions that Brandi will be helping her scout part locations. Because when you want a classy opinion, Brandi is so the way to go! Travis informs Stephanie that his personal assistant, Courtney, will be coming along to supervise. Courtney looks like she graduated high school yesterday, yet Stephanie describes her as a “sister wife,” who doesn’t have sex with Travis. A) ummm… no comment; and B) when your hubby’s assistant is 13 and he thinks she’s more mature than you are – that’s a problem. Stephanie agrees – thankfully!
While they look at venues, Courtney shadows to confirm that Stephanie makes the ‘Travis Approved’ choices. “Travis Approved” meaning Stephanie will jump out of a cake in lingerie. Is Courtney supposed to monitor this as well?
Apparently having Stephanie jump out of a cake is his lifelong dream – cause Travis isn’t turning 46 here, he’s still stuck in his mama’s basement secretly watching the Playboy channel. Travis is also worried about what gift Stephanie may give him – last year she got him laser back hair removal, so Travis has also put Courtney in charge of overseeing the gift procurement. Which is probably a good thing because Brandi suggests Stephanie buy a burial plot with attached tombstone. She laughs hysterically as Courtney looks on, deadpan, dutifully taking notes on Stephanie and Brandi’s plan to be the next Thelma & Louise (instead of robbing banks they’ll be robbing Travis’ grave.)
Cary Deuber is also celebrating a birthday – her daughter Siri is turning 3! Cary isn’t making a big deal about it because she doesn’t want her daughter be spoiled. Or mellow. Cary doesn’t want Siri to get messy and ruin her new dress, so she got a vanilla cake instead of staining chocolate. This is not OK with Mark. Since all things Deuber-ville are about Mark, he’s annoyed that Cary didn’t get him the chocolate.
Mark is still complaining about the vanilla cake while blowing out Siri’s candles, at her sad little party consisting of one solitary friend. No other family or friends. Siri doesn’t even eat the cake. Or want the presents – even though Mark follows her around with fancy bags full of things. Cary smirks that Siri is her clone. Apparently Mark’s days of buying everyone’s love are limited – Cary’s family owns a bank, and she’s not allowing Mark to break theirs in FAO Schwartz or Neiman’s! Perhaps Cary should be in charge of planning Travis‘ birthday?
LeeAnne meets Rich The Rock for lunch. Over soup she pours out her heart over how important she is and how her hurt is the worstest hurt, the most important hurt, and the hurt so big and special it can save lives. All the lives. LeeAnne oughtta sell her hurt locker to the government. Or maybe head on over to Syria. Rich is pretty much her counselor. He nods and barely listens while she rambles on about her amazingness and delusions.
LeeAnne is gearing up to give the Keynote speech for the Grace Project, which helps women living with HIV. LeeAnne is sharing her own story of hurt with women and since she’s told it a thousand-million times to anyone in Dallas with ears, LeeAnne doesn’t need to write an actual speech. It’s wash, rinse, repeat, and wear again, right?! It seems LeeAnne is more excited for Stephanie to see her in performance mode, than making an impact with Grace Project…
Tiffany Hendra, who has nothing better to do than follow LeeAnne around and pray, or fix Keith SubUrban‘s hair, is also there for ‘support’. BLAH.
At the Grace Project, Stephanie channels her best Jackie Kennedy, and is pleasantly surprised by how powerful and resonant LeeAnne was. I have to admit, I was as well! After seeing this different, positive, side of her former foe, Stephanie invites LeeAnne to Travis‘ birthday – and she hopes Brandi and LeeAnne can move forward as well!
Tiffany gushes that this is the “real LeeAnne“. Is it?
OK – LeeAnne is a hot ball of trifling messitude. With the ladies she is a needy insecure attention-seeking nut job who is less together than one of Sonja Morgan‘s skirt clasps, yet she really turned it up and put on a good show where it counts. Well, well…
Over dinner with her family, Stephanie’s boys prove that Courtney DOES need to be overseeing everything because they want to get Travis a “poo poo cake” for his birthday. Stephanie cackles hysterically, while Daddy Warbucks sends everyone to bed. Afterwards Stephanie complains to Travis that he treats her like a child and should stop micromanaging her. Travis acknowledges he’s too rigid at home and can’t turn ‘work’ off. Plus his mom was a micromanager, who made everyone live by her lists, so he doesn’t really know any other way. Stephanie convinces him to let make some decisions on her own, because, after all she is a “grown woman.” Travis seems surprised to discover that his wife is an adult. Then he wonders if this new grown up Stephanie will still jump out of a cake for him?
Stephanie calls Brandi and priorities: first she tells Brandi about the poop cake, then about LeeAnne abandoning her premiere status as Spawn Of Satan. Stephanie warns Brandi that LeeAnne is coming to Travis‘ party, so she hopes everyone behaves. After considering it, Brandi decides to call LeeAnne to propose a peace lunch. In her phone, LeeAnne is listed as “Loud Mouth”. HA!
Shockingly LeeAnne and Brandi’s lunch goes calmly. Brandi apologizes for pushing LeeAnne’s buttons, her raunchy humor, and that poop joke and LeeAnne accepts, then smoothly moves on to telling Brandi about what buttons she pushed. No apology offered in exchange. HA! Brandi decides she doesn’t care, and wants to put the pettiness behind them.
Brandi and Stephanie go dress shopping for Travis‘ party. Those were pageant gowns and looked NOTHING like Gatsby. Whatever they bought looked like it belonged at a Gatsby-themed prom, because that’s exactly how high school students with tacky-ass taste and $200 would dress for a roaring 2o’s party. No wonder Travis treats Stephanie like a teenager!
At least they put some effort in – Cary wore her wedding reception dress, after she decided that because it has sequins, it was Gatsby-enough. These girls need to get access to Google. And Cary needs to lighten up!
Meanwhile LeeAnne and Tiffany went ALL out. Brandi laughs at Tiffany’s enormous feathered headband – like Brandi has any room to talk about hats. Or feathers – her dress was Disney On Ice Does Gatsby. Although LeeAnne looked pretty much exactly like Cruella DeVille.
Shockingly Brandi gets drunk. (Sarcasm) But truly shockingly she is now BFF with LeeAnne and Tiffany! They spend the whole night trading poop war stories. LeeAnne and Tiffany used to eat so many jalapeno pizzas they needed to put ice cubes on their butts the next morning. Was that some sort of eating disordered way to indulge in pizza?! So weird!
After bonding over shit, a tequila-sloshing Brandi invites LeeAnne and Tiffany to Stephanie’s lake house to celebrate their birthdays. Yes, Brandi and Stephanie even have birthdays in common – and what a coincidence: so does LeeAnne! And no, Brandi didn’t check with Stephanie first!
Despite all his worrying Travis loved the party and praises Stephanie for actually pulling it off. Stephanie agrees the party was like SOOOO much stress and hard work! She actually had to pick up the cake herself, and, like, buy the candles. And OMG … the tequila tastes like locker room! I didn’t see Courtney there (maybe she’s not old enough for a bar?)
One person not having fun is Cary. She is in no mood to deal with LeeAnne after the disastrous Goth potluck at Heidi Dillion’s. Cary is also annoyed that Stephanie and Brandi have fallen for LeeAnne’s changed woman act. Cary sulked in the corner while Mark mingled. Her frown turned into a full-blown sneer once Stephanie tells her that Brandi one-upped Stephanie’s own spontaneous LeeAnne invite by including her in the lake house birthday girls weekend.
Cary shrugs that she’ll be keeping her friends close – and her enemies closer! Stephanie doesn’t seem too thrilled about a weekend with LeeAnne, either.
After the party Stephanie gives Travis his gift – leaping out of a giant cardboard cake wearing absolutely ridiculously cheesy lingerie. Obviously Travis loved it. These two are truly toddlers raising toddlers, but they’re kinda cute, right?!
TELL US – WAS BRANDI AND LEEANNE’S RESOLUTION SINCERE? DOES TRAVIS MICROMANAGE STEPHANIE OR IS SHE IMMATURE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
