By Claire Coleman for The Mail on Sunday
Updated: 13:36 EDT, 2 December 2009
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A chap has to suffer to be beautiful. And as these pictures show, Simon Cowell is definitely suffering. But luckily for the X Factor judge, they are the work of spoof artist Alison Jackson.
With the help of a Cowell lookalike, she imagined just what he must have gone through to achieve the suddenly smooth chest (and hands) he showed off on Saturday's show.
And judging by the final picture in the film sequence, she extended Simon's ordeal to places that really ratchet up the pain factor.
Scroll down to watch the video
And here's how the rest of Mr Vain's beauty bills add up...
CHEST: £360 a year
In 2007 Louis Walsh told a reporter that 'Simon's definitely had a boob job', claiming that Cowell had had pectoral implants 'and lots of other work done.' Cowell, pictured in all his manly glory left, denies that he's had surgery, insisting that he banished his man boobs with a combination of diet and exercise.
However, a year ago he did admit to removing his chest hair, saying: 'You can't dye chest hair and no one wants to see a grey chest, do they? It had to go!'
This week it seemed it was gone again after Cowell was snapped wearing an unbuttoned white shirt that showed the top section of his man rug was missing.
So you can probably add a chest wax (around £30 every month) to his body bill.
HAIR: £600 a year
While Louis Walsh once suggested that Cowell wore a wig, Simon insists his follicles are all his own.
However, this is also the man who claimed not to colour his hair but when photographed looking a little grey around the temples, was forced to admit: 'I just didn't have the time to dye it.'
Although not in the same league as Cheryl Cole - whose hair extensions cost a staggering £4,000 a year - Cowell's regular dye job will cost around £50 a month. But what he spends on the salon, he saves on styling - he does his hair himself.
Amanda Holden, who works with him on Britain's Got Talent says: 'Simon has this little routine before every show, with his hair dryer, but it's pointless - he looks exactly the same afterwards.'
HANDS: £640 a year
It was the inexplicable disappearance of the fuzz on the back of his hands that gave away Cowell's latest grooming secret. His furry paws became super smooth (with a tell-tale hairy cuff in a straight line around his wrist). This hand-waxing treatment usually costs around £10 every month. We wouldn't be surprised to hear he also has a manicure habit (£20 every two weeks, we reckon).
Smooth: Simon Cowell's latest grooming secret appears to be removing the fuzz from the back of his hands
FOREHEAD: £400 a year
Cowell has admitted that he's a Botox devotee. 'I've had Botox,' he declared. 'But then again, pretty much everyone I know has, except Cheryl Cole. I got a shock when she was sitting next to me on the panel and she frowned and her forehead actually wrinkled. I thought, "Whoa! I haven't seen that in a while. A real frown. That's different".
'To me, Botox is no more unusual than toothpaste. It works, you do it once a year - who cares?'
Cowell might reckon he only has Botox once a year, but most fans opt for quarterly top-ups at anywhere from £200-£400 a go.
FACE: £360 a year
Aside from freezing his frown lines, Cowell has a healthy complexion to maintain. On TV that comes courtesy of his make-up artist, Julia Carter, apparently the only woman he'll trust with a foundation brush. And, given that he's waxing his chest and hands, beauticians believe he's probably getting his eyebrows, nose and even ears tidied up too, at a cost of about £30 every month or so.
TEETH: £20,000
Industry insiders reckon that Cowell has a tooth obsession. Presenter Fearne Cotton revealed that her teeth were the first thing he commented on when he met her, and he's also volunteered to pay for Louis Walsh to have his teeth capped. He reportedly insisted that all X Factor finalists have their teeth whitened.
Cowell himself sports dazzling white veneers and, given that it can cost anything from £400 to £1,000 to custom make and fit a thin porcelain surface over a single tooth, he could be flashing a cool £20,000 of dentistry each time he smiles.
FAKE TAN: £1,560 a year
While Cowell is a fan of Barbados and is frequently spotted soaking up the sun, even he can't possibly maintain that tan without a bit of artificial help.
While Louis once let slip that Cowell was a sunbed fan, we think it's far more likely that he has a weekly spray tan (around £30 a time).
FEET: £780 a year
Finally if you're making this much top-to-toe effort, you'd probably want to finish it off with a pedicure (£30 every two weeks), wouldn't you?
TOTAL BODY BILL: £24,700
Now watch an hilarious clip from Alison Jackson's video below...
