In grade school we grew up with an understanding of who the “Best Looking Girl in 5th Grade” was. Ironically, I can still remember that person at my elementary school and middle school. She was pretty much the same girl for our whole lives. I won’t share with you her name, but let’s just say, she is still a very pretty woman now. At any given time in elementary school I can remember the six girls who were the prettiest in their respective grades, but it never really dawned upon me the effect this schoolyard chatter would result in. Years later in college it became clear, there were about 120 kids in the 5th grade at my school, and only one her. Do the math, that’s about 70 girls and 50 boys. I’ll admit there was always a “second prettiest” and “third prettiest”. But what this came down to is that about 50 boys were shooting after three girls. The odds were just absurd. Ironically, that wasn’t the only thing that I learned. I learned that there were 67 girls in the 5th grade who just didn’t think those girls were that cute. There was always something said: “She’s not that pretty, she’s just light skin,” “It’s just that she has long hair,” “It’s only because she beats guys in races,” or “I think [insert girl not in the Top 3 here] is actually prettier.” Do you see what started happening?
Note: There’s so much to take from the reasons why people thought she was cute, or didn’t think was cute. Remember this is the 5th grade.
Now in high school, a very interesting thing happened …
People started f*cking.
Therefore in the 11th grade, the most popular girl in school was the girl who said in the cafeteria one day, “I keep my man satisfied,” and then wiped the edges of her mouth. Her boyfriend was the most popular guy in school. He was also captain of the football team, didn’t talk too much, only said things like, “I just want to play football and focus on my studies.” Sounded mysterious and focused? That negro was dumb as hell and his football career ended in high school. He was only captain of the football team because he was high yellow and tall.
You can learn a lot about life from looking back at grade school. It’ll explain to you why women have hot flashes when they see pictures of Idris Elba, and why men go to a special place when they read quotes like this, “I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms…my entire body is hairless.” – Kim Kardashian. Think about Idris and Kim like this, there are two types of people in this world; either you’re part of the 67 or you’re part of the 3. If you’re part of the 67, you’ve been wasting your breath on this type of stuff since you were six, and it hasn’t changed a thing. If you *were* part of the 3, you need to figure out where things went wrong, you had one job in life, “Stay in the Top 3 wherever you go.” And if you are part of the 3, chances are you finally got a chance to say, “I don’t see the big deal.” Privilege is a hell of an alcoholic beverage, I mean, drug.
See Also: Why Men Love Hairless Women
Take from that what you would like, however, I’d like to present you with Ten Debatable Facts about Idris Elba, Kim Kardashian, and obsessions with celebrities:
1. You probably won’t meet them – Of course, you’ll go out to a local nightclub when you hear that one of them is hosting to try and grab a picture, or @ them on Twitter, but that won’t lead to them remembering your name 12 hours after that interaction ends.
2. You won’t sleep with them – Let’s take a look; do any of us guys resemble Reggie Bush or Gabriel Autry? These beautiful celebrities have access to some of the most beautiful people in the world. What… no, who would you do?
3. You really don’t know them, no matter how much you claim you know them – We love to dig deep on our favorite stars. Did you know that Idris’s real name is Idrissa? And despite the fact I’ll defend to the death that Kim is not as fake as most people think. There’s no way to get to the bottom of it because none of us are her doctor or were in the surgery room.
4. There’s something about them that you ain’t going to like once you keep digging – What are you going to do when you find that interview when Kim says, “OK, the reason why it seems like I’m just laying there is because I really don’t enjoy sex all that much?” Or what do you do when you find that article that gives Idris’s ex-wife her chance to tell her side of the story; how he was unfaithful?
See Also: The Five Unofficial Rules of Filling Out Your NCAA Bracket
5. Hating on them is pointless, only makes you look like an extreme hater – Some people like ketchup on their eggs, some people like runny eggs, and some people don’t like eggs at all. I know it can be annoying that they shout it from the mountaintops, but I just imagine someone taking their fork, squishing on top of a sunny side up egg and the egg running out on the plate, yuck. However, I don’t have to eat it, so I’d rather just not pay attention.
6. You’re going to find out they’re fake – There’s a difference between the characters that Idris has played in movies and who he is in real life. His publicist told you that he resides in Atlanta, GA so he could spend more time with his daughter. He’s an actor, he’s probably full-time in Los Angeles.
7. They’ll let you down sometimes – When Black men found out that Kim K. was dating Gabriel Autry, they got shook. We thought we might lose her. How dare she turn her back on the brothers? Crazy right? Not so much, considering that most Hollywood movie sets are brothels and everybody’s banging, Idris gets some tippy tao on the scene. Beyonce had a man, Idris slept with that white girl.
8. They don’t even like you – Kim only bangs dudes with way more money than us, and Idris… no man goes out of his way to hide who he’s dating unless he’s gay or f*cking 75% of the free world. Pick one.
See Also: Hip Hop Is for Lovers: Reflections on Being Kanye West’s “Perfect B*tch”
9. We both have ridiculous reasons for being attracted to them – Men are fascinated with Kim’s sex tape, playboy or bikini pictures, basically anything that women probably, “don’t see the big deal about.” Yet those same women lost their panties when they heard Idris’s English accent. If the accent is sexy, seeing a woman in all her glory is too.
10. Their claim to fame – There’s always someone who is claiming that Kim K. has no real talent except for a sex tape. Actually, she’s a socialite with inconceivable amounts of money. Don’t argue Kim has no place in our world when people watched the Real World for 17 years and that’s a show about people with no money. In my opinion, you can make an argument that Idris is not the greatest actor. Most of his movies are bad, the best one is RocknRolla and most of the women who love him, didn’t even see it. Then there’s the Wire, a significant amount of those female fans also have been quoted saying, “If I was ever gonna be with a girl it would be Snoop.”
I’m comfortable enough to say this, I can tell you why women find Idris sexy; he’s got symmetry in the face, he’s got swag, an accent or an accent, he carefully chooses his roles and has a certain “eff it” swag about himself. Then there’s this conversation I had with some friends over lunch when one of my coworkers said, “I don’t see what it is about Jessica Simpson, she’s a white girl, who’s blonde, blue eyes, big breasts, loaded and not that smart.” All the men raised their head and said, “She’s perfect.” However, none of us are marrying a woman like Kim Kardashian. I’m attracted to women who it doesn’t take two hours to get ready. (That’s why I’m on #TeamRosaAcosta.) But seriously, these are the women we fascinate about. I’ve talked to married men, in church, with a family they love who say in jest, “However, me and my wife have agreed that if ever I had an opportunity with Halle…” That’s the reality of it all, it’s a fascination based on things we learned as children, to dream.
