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Hi! I’m back! To recap the THIRD-last episode of Bachelor In Paradise. Yes, there are still two more episodes after this.
TBH there’s a strong chance this will also be my last recap (until The Bachelor starts) because I can only assume the last two episodes are just family meet and greets and people being all like “I love you!” and I’m like, “gross! Get out of my DMs!” And my disgustingly old neighbour Doris is like, “lmao no one is ever in your DMs, you’re not fooling anyone with your pathetic recaps and your shitty little sentences!”
Also my back really hurts from sitting at my computer all day and then watching this show all night. Even Doris, at the tender age of 117 has a better back than me. She’s apparently more flexible too, but don’t ask me how I know that.
So with that being said, let’s get straight into unpacking tonight’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
1. Ahhh! Finale week! Nearly everyone is coupled up and there is no more drama to be had!
Just kidding, Ciarran and Kiki are still here! And Kiki has the sad, thoughtful eyes of someone seriously reconsidering her life choices right now.
Keira was busy telling Kiki, Ciarran, and Alex that she “wasn’t able to get laser hair removal a couple of years ago because they didn’t have the technology” and now she’s had two sessions and is “pretty much bald.” Kiki responded with the haunting words, “fantastic, everyone likes a bald badger,” and the only reason I am relaying any of this conversation back to you is so I could do this:
I’m not even sorry.
2. Keira and Alex said goodbye to paradise after finding out no new people were going to be coming in.
Ahh
I’ll dearly miss Alex looking constantly confused but incredibly handsome on my TV screen.
3. The others build a life raft while being secretly watched by a body language expert.
JUST KIDDING, it wasn’t John Aiken.
The last time we saw Expert Steve was on Honey Badger’s season of The Bachelor. Man, remember when watching that season was the worse thing that we thought would ever happen to us?
Expert Steve watched the communication style between the couples as they built their raft and tried to win a race or some shit. IDK man, straight couples are weird, we all know that. Expert Steve also took notes in his cute little diary as he watched on.
Scot and Mia won the race, but let’s be real, I identified most with Conor and Mary who never got their raft together in the first place. That’s a metaphor for my life.
Also, as if building a RAFT is a test of a relationship? Have y’all ever been tandem kayaking? Hello? Is anyone still listening to me?
4. Expert Steve then spoke to all the couples, separately and together.
Alisha and Greg passed with flying colours, with expert Steve summing them up like this. “They’re making eye contact, they’re touching each other, they’re in close proximity,” he said, which is how I also describe myself watching Greg and Alisha on TV. They never reach out to hold my hand, but that’s fine.
Kiki tried to train her dragon (Ciarran) to get an A+ in the Body Language and Lie Detector test, but let’s be honest: that’s a harder challenge than trying to build a life raft and sail it out to sea.
Expert Steve also didn’t buy that Renee was fully over Ciarran and that Matt was maybe slightly jealous that Renee was distracted by having her ex in paradise. Mary and Conor were perfect of course, and Steve seemed to think Jackson and Litney had a genuine bond.
5. But, in a very interesting little tidbit, we learned Renee and Ciarran only broke up a WEEK before going onto paradise?!
AND Alisha has found an $800 ring for Ciarran in their room?!
OK, what a timeline?! Renee said she and Ciarran only broke up a week before Fiji, and three days later he was spotted with Kiki. A WEEK. BEFORE. PARADISE. How quickly can these people up and leave their lives to go film a TV show? Who ever thought going into paradise a WEEK after breaking up with your ex, knowing they’d be in there, would be a good idea?
Meanwhile, Kiki was busy telling Steve that she met Ciarran the weekend before they went into paradise, and while she told Steve that she and Ciarran only met up “for an hour” she told the producers that yes, she and Ciarran had a plan that he was meant to wait for her in paradise.
The plot thickens…
6. In the least surprising news ever, Ciarran hated every minute of being analysed by an expert.
It must suck when you’re used to everyone buying the BS that comes out of your mouth, then having someone question you about it.
“Sounds like you writing your shitty little recaps,” Doris, my absolute haggard bitch of a neighbour called out from where she was hanging up her knickers on my balcony. “Though, I did meet a very charming English chap once, he also got very red in the face when he got worked up, but it wasn’t because of telling lies, if you know what I mean, ” she chortled, banging on my window. “Do you know what I mean?”
Anyway, for some reason Ciarran started going on a rant about how he’s not trying to become an Instagram influencer, which is a very normal thing to say to a man you’ve never met before who is analysing your behavioural patterns.
When Steve asked Ciarran if he thought he could be monogamous, Kiki had to explain the term to him. So maybe… maybe this wasn’t his fault all along? It’s like how I once realised an ex and I never had “the chat” about being official, so when we broke up nearly four years later after he Did A Ciarran, maybe it wasn’t even cheating? Ya know?
Just kidding, you fucking dickheads.
Ciarran eventually got extremely red in the face and stormed past the others, huffing and puffing, and ready to blow the island down. Alisha made the perfect comment that he looked like he was “off to punch a wall” or something, which is honestly the best description of some frantic white man energy.
7. Ciarran said he only regretted cheating because it “makes him look like a bad person” and decided to vent to Renee about it in front of everyone.
“I don’t want to be portrayed as the bad guy in this situation,” said the guy that is being the bad guy in this situation.
Telling the group he got absolutely slammed by Steve, Ciarran went on a spiel about how Renee is a loving, caring person, and she (once again) rightfully pulled him up on only giving these kind of speeches when he’s got a crowd around him.
Eventually they went off to have a private chat, and Renee yeeted him into the ocean, throwing in a half-built raft after him.
OK, that’s not quite how it went.
8. Renee then got really upset, and Alisha found her crying. Together they decided to go get rid of the ring Renee made for Ciarran.
OK, so here’s where things start to make more sense. Renee thought going to paradise was going to be a reunion of sorts for her and Ciarran and it sounds like he maybe promised her they’d have their love story play out in paradise. I still don’t fully understand how that works with the timeline of them breaking up only a week before, but I’ve learned to not question reality stars too much as this stage.
Alisha summed it up best when she said, “As women we tend to hold a glimmer of hope that someone’s going to change and actions always speak louder than words.” In the non-creepiest way possible, Alisha needs to be made into a little doll or like a Siri-style app that just blasts some fire advice or quotes at you, when you need a pick me up from the latest fuccboi that’s ruined your life.
Renee finally has a realisation that Matt is a good guy, Ciarran is a not-so-good guy, and it’s time to get rid of the baggage she’s been carrying around. Literally. It’s time to throw that $800 ring she bought him straight into the sea.
9. IT WAS THE MOST ICONIC THING TO EVER HAPPEN ON THIS SHOW.
I actually got emotional watching this happen. The power of strong women! The power of sticking it to a dirty, deceitful ex!
(Intermission: The power of poor Kiki still not fully realising the mess she’s landed herself in yet, but knowing she needs a double wine to get through whatever she’s going to be hit with next.)
The power of friends who have your back and are your own personal cheer squad when you finally let go!
The power of a good, probably tipsy dance after you get that weight off your shoulders!
10. Osher came in to announce that friendship roses were over. Cancelled. Done. Jake Ellis let out a proud sigh from QLD. Finally, his 157 texts per day to the show had been answered.
To go further, the remaining couples had to commit at the next ceremony and if they did so, that was the green light to meet family and/or friends.
So excited for Mia and Scot to meet each other’s families! They’ve really brought their…. physical beings to the show. How will this love story end?!
11. Kiki was left unsure as to whether she can trust Ciarran or not.
Me omw to Fiji to go talk some sense into Kiki, even though this show was filmed 9-10 months ago, and we can no longer leave the country, and Kiki and Ciarran probably ended 9-10 months ago, and wow, life seemed simpler back then.
Tomorrow night: It’s time to meet the in-laws.
OK, no I don’t think any of them will go like this, I just wanted to use one last GIF of Ramona.
