Full disclosure: I’m a Powermuff girl.
My bush is a full, Amazonian chaparral.
It is a coppice of mystery and wonder.
My pubis lies untouched by wax and razor and only the fairest may enter my dingly-dell.
I, ladies and gentlemen, do not shave my pubes. What’s more, I wholeheartedly and thoroughly recommend it.
Certainly, the occasional trim might be in order, but is there really a need to go ripping out your whole hinterland? Not in my experience.
Many moons ago, I did try.
I went through six months of waxing and completely clearing my under-thicket. No strips, no Brazilians, just go bare or go home.
Bear in mind that, as a sex-worker, I would have had several more tourists to my national park than the average garden.
Do you know how many people noticed it?
Can you give me a rough estimate of how many men said ‘Golly gosh, I appreciate such a smooth pasture?’
None. Zero. Nada. Absolutely no-one.
In fact, I got complaints. They had come to frolic in my Yosemite, and all they got was a rather dull rock-garden.
I can’t say I wasn’t relieved. I’d been through my fair share of razor rashes, ingrown hairs and weeks of squirming on the seat of a Tube train in order to scratch it just right as the hairs grew back.
It was a constant inconvenience and discomfort and it was boring.
The whole process of doing it was boring. The sex was boring. The regrowth was boring.
The only highlight was when, during a wax, I got accidentally fingered by the beautician.
Although that then led to some severe thrush after the stray dollop of moisturiser sent my ph balance into a tailspin.
So why has this torture been inflicted on us? And by ‘us’, I don’t mean just women – although we do bear the brunt of it.
Men are feeling the need to go at their gonads too, but I can see why – the myth that ‘It’ll make my junk look bigger’.
Yes, because we’re into you just for your peen.
That’s why we have taken up so much time on the internet saying how much we luuuurve dick pics.
No. Stop that.
Although at a family gathering, an in-law cried out that he would be disgusted if a girl didn’t shave her pubes off.
I asked him how he could tell and he just said, ‘Well, on a date, I ask ‘em. Are you shaved or what, love?’
This is a man who also thinks albinos are some kind of camel – just so you know that’s the level we’re dealing with.
A bit of genitalia topiary should be a preference, not expected.
And it certainly shouldn’t be the basis or ’make-or-break’ of any relationship.
If your partner desperately needs a reason to let you be in charge of your own body hair, here’s a quick run down.
Why you should have a full bush
1. Pubic hair collects pheromones – those lovely little particles that announce ‘Hello! I’m ready for sex, please!’. And is it just me, or do they smell good anyway? That lovely, musky scent that helps you remember what you were up to last night.
2. They’re protection from bacteria. Hairs draw up moisture and protect your genitalia from things like thrush, and removing it leaves tiny open wounds that increase your chances of abscesses and infections.
3. They increase sensation. At the end of each follicle is a nerve ending, so when you gently brush or breath over them, it gives you a tiny tingle to help stimulation.
4. They’re natural, they’re supposed to be there. It’s a major hint from nature that, like pretty much all the other nifty things in and around your body, they have a job to do. Whether that job is warmth, cushioning, or just being a filter for picking out people who want to degrade you by insisting they have a say in what you do with your body hair.
5. If you’re in a sexual relationship with someone who says things like, ‘The only hair I like is the hair on your head,’ then you’re going out with a dickhead. Seriously. Do not let them touch you. Do not give them the pleasure of your beautiful genitalia. Grab your coat, leave, do not pass go and seriously consider charging them £200 for the pleasure of your company.
I think it’s also pertinent to remember that the only reason why they’ve been eradicated from porn is probably just due to camera angles.
Once upon a time, a humble pornographer realised as they were trying to get the perfect money-shot among flailing limbs and sweaty buttocks that, if only those pesky pubes weren’t in the way, they would get a better view.
Fortunately, no one is thrusting a camera between your legs. Sorry.
Obviously, some people have no say in their pubic hair growth for various reasons, and I’m certainly not ridiculing the sight of a bald mons pubis – just the effort and expectation that goes into it.
I’ve read far too many articles that say, ‘It defines you as being a ‘Real Woman,’ which is a phrase that needs to die in a fire.
It’s basically up to you.
If you find yourself picking up a razor before a hot date, then think about why.
Are you cropping it off for yourself, or because someone else thinks it’s expected? Can you really be bothered?
All I’m saying is that, if you find yourself staring into the face of a person who doesn’t give two hoots about your razor rash, regrowth and gets albinos confused with alpacas then it’s time to put down the razor and love your muff.
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