What It’s Like To Be A ‘Former Fatty’

I was 10-years-old when it first struck me that I didn’t look like my best friend. We were exactly the same height but while she was lean and athletic, I was chubby and uncoordinated. The first taunt that I can remember was when one of my classmates asked me if I got fatter every time she met me. I was 12-years-old at the time and it felt like she had thrown freezing cold water on my face. It only got worse after that, and given the shockingly infantile mental capacity of 12-year-old boys (and 25-year-old boys, for that matter), I was compared to certain barnyard animals roughly thrice a week. Fortunately, I was thick skinned (pun intended) and I moved on very quickly.

Around the time we were 16-years-old, it dawned on me that my best friend had transformed into one of the hottest girls in school and I was still struggling to lose the 20 pounds that seemed to have made a home for themselves on my arms. I started skipping meals and made myself throw up more times than I would ever admit. I would obsessively read about anorexia and envy girls who managed to survive on 300 calories a day. I’m amazed that I didn’t stop eating altogether, but because I was smack dab in the middle of a million controversies at school, the fact that I wore size 34 jeans took a back seat and for that, I’m grateful every single day.

Over the next two years, I noticed that my best friend was treated much differently than I was – she was given more attention at salons, attended to first at clothing stores, smiled at more often – the list is endless. It didn’t bother me because I told myself that I hated the limelight and attention of any kind. I accepted it as the norm and shook it off. There were worse things in the world, right?

During my first year of college, I got worryingly obsessed with food and started eating everything in sight. I remember taking an entire bag of cashews to my room and going through half of it in minutes and sitting with a box of chocolates and shoving it in my mouth like the apocalypse was upon us. I stopped fitting into anything remotely pretty and I was uncomfortable even in a size XL. What’s amusing is that I still didn’t want to do anything about it, because I was more concerned with earning my own money and rebelling against my parents, who were understandably worried about me. They tricked me into getting a full body check up and the tests revealed that I had high cholesterol and my insulin levels were through the roof – the culmination of which resulted in hormonal issues. I was 19-years-old and weighed 152 pounds at 5’2. My parents paid a nutritionist to help me drop the weight and normalize my levels but I was still not bothered. In fact, I gained an additional 15 pounds and started looking like a baby whale.

But I remember the exact moment at 22 when I decided to lose all the weight once and for all. This was when Miley Cyrus was making her transition from Hannah Montana to Wild Naked Girl and I came across a photo of her in yoga pants and a tiny crop top. I looked at her body and realized that I only had about 8 years to look like that, because apparently, a woman’s body changes after she turns 30. I will be so annoyed if that’s not true.

I started working out 6 days a week and learnt everything there is to learn about nutrition. I was a pain to be around and drove my family crazy by going on about calories and crunches and planks. I’m surprised they didn’t squeeze my throat.

The problem was that I was still obsessed with food (maybe more so) and I would go to the kitchen multiple times, bite into a chocolate biscuit, only to spit it out. I ran to my room when my family ordered ice cream and clenched my fists under the table at Big Chill when there was a Mississippi Mud Pie sitting in front of me. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but when I bought a new pair of jeans and realized that I could fit into a size 6, it’s embarrassing but I burst out crying. It was over. It was finally over.

This may be hard to believe but a week after that, I had a minor identity crisis, because it felt like I had been kicked off of Fat Person Island. All my life, I’d been the heavy one, the girl who could only fit into a size L, the one who was constantly told to lose weight by fat relatives, the one who could only look at dresses. I suddenly didn’t belong to any of those categories and I was lost. My exterior changed before my interior could catch up and it took me a while to come to terms with all of it. I would pass by a mirror and do a double take because I’d have forgotten that I’d lost weight. It was bizarre.

The indifference that I was used to, when it came to my appearance, turned into appreciation soon after. It came as a huge shock because I wasn’t expecting it – I didn’t realize how shallow people really were up until that point. Even now, it takes me by surprise when a heavier girl is ignored and I’m given more attention, no matter what the setting, because it’s far from fair and it doesn’t make any sense. It’s like I’m more relevant or that my existence is justified now that I’m not fat. I’m the same person that I was at 167 pounds and I can still eat an entire plate of fried momos and KFC at the same time. I choose not to, but that doesn’t make me better than anybody else. My heart goes out to every overweight girl out there who feels like she’s not good enough just because she can’t fit into a size XS. It’s not true, it’s never true.

I still struggle with my weight and sadly, I’m not 130 pounds anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable in my own skin and gaining weight is one of my biggest fears. I push myself to work out every day and there have been days when all I’ve eaten is junk food. I joke about how Fat Aanchal is locked up in the closet, asking for pizza. I have a secret stash of what I call ‘crap’ in my room. I still look away from the mirror when I’m changing and stretch out my skin till the shiny white marks disappear. It’s a constant, exhausting battle and I give up sometimes.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not invisible anymore and the amount of attention I get sometimes is overwhelming, but it would be extremely altruistic to declare that I still despise it. I don’t, of course not. Who doesn’t want to be told they’re pretty and who doesn’t want white, blue-eyed boys to chase them all over California?

For what it’s worth, Fat Aanchal will always hold a special place in my heart, even though I try my best to not feed her. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be half the person that I am today. Except I actually am half the person she was. Get it? Pause for laughter.

My best friend is still hotter than me but now, we’re treated the same way. Except she can roll out of bed and look like a super model in less than 5 minutes and I need to straighten my hair, pluck my eyebrows, get multiple laser hair removal sessions, wear 4 inch high heels and get plastic surgery before I can step out of the house.

Another lifetime, yes?

1. Don’t be afraid to show your feelings. It’s a rarity- most people hide under layers of manufactured perfection. Be real because you’re beautiful.

2. If you don’t like something everyone loves, don’t feel left out. Your popular culture preferences don’t define you or the person that you are- always remember that.

3. Study hard and study for as long as you want. Do triple PhDs if that’s what makes you happy.

4. Don’t let me or anybody else tell you who to love. If you aren’t going down a ‘normal’ path as determined by society, don’t be afraid to keep going.

5. Don’t be afraid to be impulsive. I have leaped before I’ve looked all my life and I’ve gotten hurt but I wouldn’t trade in any of those experiences. This doesn’t mean that you should be reckless- just follow your heart. It’s smarter than you think.

6. If you’re sad – mope around, eat tubs of ice cream, listen to sad songs. If you’re happy – go on a shopping spree, kiss all your friends, buy gifts for them. It’s okay to feel exactly what you’re feeling. It’s not wrong or selfish.

7. Try not to dwell on your mistakes. This will be difficult but try your best to take a deep breath and shake it off- no matter how embarrassing the situation may have been. You’ll move on and so will everyone else.

8. Don’t let money become your whole world. It will destroy you and your relationships.

9. Don’t be reckless with other people’s feelings. Everyone is fighting a different battle- just be nice. It’s as simple as that. That said, stand up for yourself if somebody is treating you badly. Nobody has the right to do that. Speak up.

10. Learn to live in the moment. Your iPhone will still be there after the movie, the concert, the play, the night out with your best friends but the moment will pass. Don’t let it.

featured image – Flickr / kevin dooley

1. Don’t put Veet on your upper lip. It will turn black. But the fun part will be peeling off the burnt skin.

2. Don’t even attempt to look cute while working out. Just don’t.

3. You know those girls in the workout videos with their hair open and shiny throughout the grueling 40 minutes? Yeah. Don’t try to be like them.

4. Don’t be stupid enough to workout on an empty stomach. That light-headed feeling at the 15 minute mark? Yeah those aren’t endorphins.

5. If you have big boobs, DON’T wear push up bras. Because when you bend down to pick something up, there is a 100% chance that one boob will pop out.

6. Buy airline tickets as soon as the prices fall. Don’t ‘wait another week’. This is a bit like the SAT tip. If you get a good score the first time around, don’t take the test again.

7. Don’t blame your parents/friends/siblings for things you don’t have. It’s not their job to make your life better. Don’t be a victim. Get off your ass and change the situation.

8. Be nice to your parents even when they annoy you with their dwindling memory. You must have annoyed them at 7 years old too when you incessantly asked them when you’d start to fly during your first flight.

9. Don’t get tattoos at 19. No matter how cool you think those stars look on your finger at the time. They just look stupid at 23.

10. Enjoy your money if you’re lucky enough to be earning well. Buy those overpriced pair of shoes. Go ahead and spend your entire salary on that leather jacket because in a few years, your money won’t all be yours.

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imageBen Fredericson

I grew up believing in fairy tales. When I saw him for the first time entering a coffee shop looking for me, I knew I had found my prince charming. He was everything I could have asked for and more. I fell head over heels and was swept away even before our first date ended six hours later.

I had never been this high and happy. I was so involved in my blissful state that I didn’t anticipate a fall – ever.

So one day, out of the blue when he sat on my couch and told me he was leaving me, a sense of numbness spread across my entire being. I could not understand the reason for this sudden track change.

When someone you love decides to walk away from you, the world under your feet shifts. Cracks don’t just form around you but in your very core. When people die, they are gone for real. You have to accept the inevitable. But when someone choses to become a stranger – it always lingers, as you never really know why.

A relationship that once bought out the best version of yourself suddenly makes you a horrible person. Lost, unaware and in no control of the situation, you become someone you cannot relate with.

I spent the last one-year in a bubble. I took a thick duvet, covered my face and just lay in the warmth. But eventually I started to pick up parts of myself that lay scattered and tried to join them together.

As it slowly vaporizes from your life, a relationship teaches you a lot about yourself and everything around you. I experienced denial, lots and lots of anger – at him and then at myself, pain, hurt, acceptance, forgiveness and finally, a true sense of gratitude.

Even though it was not my longest relationship when measured in time, it perhaps was the deepest. Getting in it taught me a lot and getting out of it, taught me even more.

Break ups can be hard. For the ones going through the pain, I wish you all the strength. It is not easy but I can tell you this

1. Even though today seems bleak, there will be a tomorrow when the sun will shine.

2. You can walk in the shadows for a long time but one day, you will have the courage to walk in the light again.

3. Each day will make you stronger and smarter. There is no need to be hard on your self.

4. You will make new friends who will welcome you in their lives without judgment or doubt.

5. The moment you start letting go and shutting one door, new windows will open.

6. Slowly but surely, memories will fade. You will visit them rarely and even though you will wonder if that person still exists, new memories will form.

7. Life will pass by in a moment and when it ends, you will smile. Because even if was for a brief moment, you found a love that shifted the world under your feet.

8. You will never forget the one you loved, but you will find reasons to love again.

9. And then one day, someone will sit on the same couch and tell you what you have always wanted to hear. That day, I hope you trust love just one more time again*.

Inspired by the beautiful quote by Maya Angelou – “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

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10 ThingsExistence

9 Things Turning 30 Taught Me About Relationships

My twenties were all about experimenting, having a crazy time, and living on the edge. I moved to four cities, met all sorts of people, fell in and out of love, and started traveling. Two years into my thirties, a subtle change has come over me. I am calmer, I am way more comfortable in my skin, and when it comes to relationships, I am a lot more accepting and understanding of their ephemeral value.

Still single and looking for love, here are the 9 things my thirties have taught me about relationships:

1. I have learned that if you lose a friend, that person was never really your friend to begin with. It is sad and it hurts, but it’s true. Friendship doesn’t come with terms and conditions; people don’t come with terms and conditions. It is all a game of expecting and accepting.

2. I have learned that relationships have their troubled times. We stop being what we are initially to the people we love. We become comfortable and say things that we should not say. It is at that point that we have a choice to either evolve with the relationship, or fight.

3. I have learned that I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. We are so starved for love that we fight for love itself. Maybe that’s the reason even countries fight

4. I have learned that as we get comfortable in things, places and with people we also start to ask for more. We start to treat those things, the places and those people as home. We take them for granted.

5. I have learned that there is no time slab, price tag or an expiry date on some relationships. They come with a reason and as soon as the reason is over they fade.

6. I have learned that we can’t accept the fading away. It’s a fear we carry around us all the time.

7. I have learned that letting go is a process. It takes time. We feel it’s the hardest thing we have to do. But truth is, we have to let go, we have to walk ahead and we have to move on.

8. I have learned that with love comes insecurity. To evolve and conquer it is an ongoing process. It is also the same process that either brings two people closer or makes them fall apart.

9. I have learned that I have to wait for love to come to me. The kind of love that has its ups and downs, arguments and insecurities but all of it stems from passion and immense emotion. A love that each day learns the good and bad about me as I learn about him and together we grow to make him and I – Us.