Donation protected
My name is Nadine. I'm a trans woman who has been out publicly for over a year. You may know me from my writing. or on twitter as @trillmoregirls.
It is incredibly difficult to write this but as I am sure so many of you know, being a trans woman in this world is incredibly difficult and draining, on so many levels: physically, emotionally, and especially financially. I do have some work, privilege, and support that other trans women may not, but transitioning has been a pretty big burden that has strained a lot of the resources I do have. I do squeak out a living from freelance writing and am immensely grateful to be able to be at that point when so many other writers cannot, but it’s an incredibly exhausting way to live often and I feel like I am constantly falling short and hustling to the degree that I have no real time to focus on myself and my transition. I’ve had to work so hard to keep surviving in the short-term that I haven’t been able to figure out how to keep living in the long-term, and I think I hold myself back from so much & so many opportunities that would improve my life because I’m still so uncomfortable with myself and how I’m perceived.
While my freelance writing career has definitely improved and I’ve been able to generate more income, I’ve always struggled with consistent work or more full-time employment that requires me to be around people. For years I thought this was just being lazy or a mess but I’ve come to realize that so much of it simply has to do with dysphoria and a fear of being perceived or really existing as a person, which has contributed significantly to social anxiety and mental illness I already struggle with. As much as I’ve tried to disconnect from my problems and act like I can get through like any normal cis person would, I have come to realize that I need to accept that dysphoria is a huge roadblock for me and getting to a more stable, secure, and confident place in my life will require taking more active steps to combat dysphoria.
I have already been on hormones for around a year and undergone some facial electrolysis and laser hair removal on my body since body/facial hair has been a huge part of dysphoria for me. I had more money in 2021 so I was able to do a certain amount of the procedures and treatments I wanted in addition to redoing my wardrobe, but it really set me back to the point that I’m just generally unstable financially right now and I’ve also had to generally halt on a lot of the more active aspects of my transition. I currently have insurance that will run out at the end of 2022, which has helped a lot with hormones and other appointments, but the premiums on top of co-pays on top of frequently uncovered/out-of-network/out-of-pocket appointments like therapy and my trans support group is just a lot to take on, even at times when I have been more able to cover the costs. I’d also like to be able to do some voice training sessions as a lot of my work is very voice dependent, like interviewing and podcasting, and basically always being perceived as a man based off my voice has been very tough and discouraging. It’s also something that doesn’t seem exactly related to my transition but my general health/fitness/weight have really impacted my life and ability to transition and live as I want, and a lot of my ability to exercise is limited by my breathing and pretty severe deviated septum, so I’m really hoping to get that dealt with while I still have a secure insurance situation. In addition to all of that, I also just hope this will provide a little bit of a buffer and relief so I can actually work toward having a more stable life and focus beyond just momentary survival.
I also truly hope that I can be in a more secure position so I can pay forward all of the help that I have been given, as I’ve had to ask for so much recently and really want to be able to give that to others who are facing the same problems or worse. I got harassed recently asking for money & help online so I feel vulnerable and nervous doing this, especially because I have always been very scared to ever ask for any help in my life or truly admit when I am struggling. But I really feel like I don’t have a lot of options left, I truly hope that this helps me get into a position to not have to ask for help as I have had to do so much in the recent past. I definitely plan to pay some of this money forward where I can, particularly to other trans folks, especially if it at all exceeds the goal.
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Organizer
Nadine Smith
Organizer
Brooklyn, NY
