#Ass Me Anything
Welcome back to #AssMeAnything. I am Alexander Cheves, a sex writer, butt demon, and author of the new book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions — a graphic sex memoir about my journey into happy sluthood. This is a safe space to ask questions on all things anal. Keep reading for my advice on shaving, anal sex aftercare, and more.
I am a long-time discreet bisexual male. I have been a top for 30 years but I really want to start the bottoming experience with men and through pegging with my GF. I am no stranger to anal pleasures but I continue to struggle to take a 5 to 6 inch cock or dildo... advice please. — Tallman
See the other #AssMeAnything posts on b-Vibe's site, Tallman. Short answer: you need practice (AKA anal training). Bottoming is difficult, and like all difficult activities, practice is necessary to improve. Commit to it with the understanding that you might practice for years before you love anal. Luckily, there are many skilled bottoms in the world — befriend them and talk to them.
You likely have not learned how to relax and anal muscles to enjoy penetration. So when you're taking a dildo or dick, you're clenching, perhaps without even realizing it. Some sensitive tissue with very strong muscles and many nerve endings (your butt) is vice-gripping a foreign object. Not comfortable! Practice — along with good lube, gentle toy play (solo anal masturbation or with others), and patience — will gradually make this tissue relax and love the feeling.
I've dabbled with anal for a few years now. Every time I add it into playtime, I LOVE IT. What I'm not so in love with is feeling like it messes with my regularity and post-play session poops. Any tips or suggestions about how to remedy or lessen the effects after anal? All guides and info focus on before and during—no tips for afterward. This is the biggest reason why anal isn't a more regular part of my playtime. — Dev
Dev, every body is different — there is no standard body reaction to anal sex. Some folks insert a Preparation H suppository in their butts after every anal session because they are prone to swelling and hemorrhoids (I recommend this — I do this because they seem to help my butt "calm down" after a good fucking). Some folks poop soon after, others can't poop for hours. I sometimes get crampy and gassy, and my first poop after rough sex can be intense.
Your body is unique, so you must learn to care for it on a case-by-case basis. Not every session will have the same effects. Certain types of sex are more likely to cause butt effects than others (rough sex, doggy style, anal fisting). Anal sex can temporarily affect your regularity and post-sex poops — it can build up gas in your bowels, which will eventually come out (be patient and lie down vertically on your stomach for a bit). Rough sex can cause swelling and irritated tissue that needs to relax before you poop — take an over-the-counter stool softener and drink lots of water to avoid constipation.
You might experience occasional watery poops or diarrhea after sex. You're probably putting too much water inside you when you douche, and that water is affecting your post-sex poop, in which case you should simply use less water — you need less than you think. But if diarrhea happens every time you bottom, talk to a GI doctor, proctologist, or both. With repeated diarrhea, a good doctor's word is always encouraged.
Temporary butt effects after sex can be expected. I've learned to like them. For me, they are the experience of having a used butt — signs of having been beautifully fucked.
What's the best way to get rid of hair down there? I use a razor on the front bit along with Tend Skin to prevent razor bumps. — James
I assume you mean butt hair. There is no "best" way. Hairy butts have a harder time going smooth, so "best" is relative. Here are your options:
Shaving
The anus is a sensitive area, so use shaving cream or gel. I recommend using a mirror that you can move (a cheap door-hanging mirror works best for me). Shave the area slowly and carefully using small strokes. I squat over the mirror with a bowl of water and some shaving gel and shave from the inside, near my hole, outward. I much prefer a playmate to shave my butt for me, and this can be very fun foreplay.
Waxing
Waxing removes hair from root to tip and allows you to be hairless longer. There are home waxing kits you do yourself, but I suggest going to a waxing parlor and hiring a professional. I always prefer professionals with grooming stuff (I never paint my own nails or shape my beard). Waxing can be painful and can sometimes result in bleeding. Whether you wax at home or pay a pro, shower beforehand in warm water for at least five minutes. After it's done, use a gentle lotion on the area.
Hair Removal Creams
Creams — or "depilatories" break down the protein bonds in your hair, causing it to dissolve. Like all these options, depilatories can cause irritation. Choose a sensitive cream for delicate skin and do a patch test on another area of skin before applying it to the butt area.
Trimming
My favorite method — no shaving cream needed. Trimming doesn't make your butt completely hairless, and this is not the best option for very hairy butts as it could result in a lot of uncomfortable butt stubble. I recommend using an electric trimmer with adjustable lengths (or several different length guards).
Permanent Removal
Never want butt hair again? Seek out professional services from a certified dermatologist for permanent hair removal treatments like electrolysis or laser removal. Although laser removal is not permanent, it does significantly reduce hair growth. Both these options can require several sessions to complete, and the sessions are not reported to be especially pleasant — and maintenance sessions can be needed to keep the hair from growing back. I think these are overkill unless you want a totally hairless hole forever and ever.
Cheers,
Alex
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New to anal play? Read our most popular guides on analingus, anal massage & anal fingering (yes, there's a difference between the two!), and how to have a prostate orgasm.
#Beyond The Booty#Masturbation#Partner Play
What is comfort sex? How do I have it? Sex educator Dirty Lola gives you a complete 101 on sex that will leave you feeling happy and satisfied!
We all have comfort foods. The no-frills dishes that are as delicious as they are easy to make. The foods that make us feel warm and cozy inside during times of high stress or grief. Comfort foods can be excellent self-care, but as the saying goes, man cannot survive on bread alone, so this is where comfort sex comes in. No, this isn't some new fad. You've probably been engaging in comfort sex. You just hadn't put a name to it. Comfort sex, much like its edible counterparty, serves to soothe. It is dependable and familiar sex. Sex that isn't fancy. Sex with a purpose. Nothing to wax poetic about but definitely sex that brings you peace along with pleasure.
Comfort sex will look different depending on the type of relationship and level of intimacy shared, but the common threads running throughout are trust and familiarity. So whether you're in a long-term relationship or flying solo, you can add comfort sex to your self-care arsenal.
Comfort Sex While Solo
If comfort sex needs familiarity and trust to soothe and pleasure truly, then having someone around who knows how your body works or at the very least can take directions and that you trust is vital. So how do you achieve that when you're single? I have three words for you, Friends With Benefits.
Having that person you can call or text to come over after a rough day for sex time is THE BEST. This person should be someone you enjoy and feel safe around and someone you don't have to worry about causing post-sex dramatic mess like your ex, don't call your ex. Put the phone down. They don't need to know you as a long-term lover, but you should communicate clearly and easily with this person. Last but not least, we never want to make anyone feel used (unless that's their kink) so make sure you're being honest about why you're calling and that they're down to be your comfort sex buddy.
Comfort Sex Doesn't Have to Be With Another Human
I often say you are your own best lover, and I wholeheartedly believe that. Masturbation can count as comfort sex, especially when you're using your fav sex toy. That toy or combination of toys that always gets you there. No experimentation, and nothing new and shiny. Just your trust buzzing buddy or buddies. Need inspiration? Well, you're reading this on b-Vibe - the home of the best anal sex toys. Or head on over to Le Wand to find the most incredible sex toys for vulva-owners and couples.
Need more than just sex toys to get you to the big O? Add your favorite porn or read that smut book you love for the 20th time. For another layer of cozy, turn down the lights and turn up your sexy song playlist.
Comfort Sex for Couples
Couples are always looking for new ways to spice things up and keep that relationship fire burning, and while that's all well and good, a healthy dose of predictability doesn't hurt either. Predictability isn't a bad thing, and in fact, comfort sex thrives on it. There is comfort in the familiar and the almost mechanical. I don't mean awful unfulfilling sex. I mean the sex you can have mindlessly in the wee hours of the morning or when you've been stirred awake late at night—the kind of sex that is effortless and feels like a meditation of sorts. Breathing together as clothes are removed, lube is applied, and bodies fit together. This kind of sex isn't exciting weekend away sex. This is I know exactly what you like and where you need me to touch sex.
Orgasms are Welcome but Not Necessary
I want to make one thing very clear. Comfort sex is about seeking pleasure as a whole, not just orgasming. While some folks need orgasms to feel that release into comfort, many don't need that. Experiencing closeness, the intimacy of curling up in someone's arms, your naked bodies pressed against each other can be just as satisfying as an orgasm, if not more so for some. The point is what will bring you relief and release. Is that an orgasm? Is it hours of touching, cock warming, or even ass worshipping? Is it twenty precious minutes alone with your wand and a butt plug? Whatever it is, as long as it brings you comfort, you're doing it right.
Consent is Still Key
Consent is paramount in all things sex, and this includes consenting to be used for comfort. This may seem like a trivial thing to get consent for, but you really do need everyone to be on board when seeking comfort sex. If your partner or FWB is having their own struggles, you may not get the comfort you were seeking. If your partner or FWB is having their own struggles, you may not get the comfort you were seeking. Checking in to see if someone is emotionally available and ready is always a good look.
Comfort Sex Shouldn't Be Destructive
Comfort sex
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Found this article on comfort sex useful? Check out our 4 top principles of Anal — analingus, anal fingering, anal hygiene, anal sex training!
#Ass Me Anything
Wondering if butt sex is gay sex? Need an anal-gasm explainer? Join Alexander Cheves on this edition of ASS Me Anything as we move up from the rear of the class.
Hello comrades! I'm Alexander Cheves. I write about sex. I recently published a book about my sex life — about the mistakes I made on my sex journey and how sex healed my deepest wounds. The book is called My Love Is a Beast: Confessions and is available everywhere books are sold. On #AssMeAnything, I answer your questions on all things anal. From fisting to felching, no topic is off-limits.
I bought the big rimmer [aka rimming plug] only to find that it drinks lube i.e. it doesn't stay on the plug and hurts like hell when taking it out. I've used a variety of lubes including Boy Butter but OUCH!! Is there a kind of lube I should be using? I've found this with a variety of silicone products. — Moogles
Hi Moogles
If the lubes you've tried aren't working, let's explore alternatives. People who like toys must learn the lube rules, which involve some chemistry knowledge.
Do not use silicone-based lube with silicone toys. Silicone wants to bind with other silicone, which means your silicone toy can "melt" when it comes in contact with silicone-based lube. So, with few exceptions, you should never use silicone-based lube with silicone toys. (This means you should not let your silicone toys touch each other in storage — though I strongly recommend storing all your toys without touching each other, regardless of what they are made of.) This rule is unfortunate because silicone-based lube is great. It never dries out and feels incredibly smooth. If you were having regular anal sex – with or without condoms – I'd encourage silicone lube. But keep silicone away from toys.
Whenever you buy a new toy, read the fine print on the product page or packaging — most toy manufacturers state what lubes are safe to use — and when in doubt, remember that water-based lube is safe with all toys. Most toymakers say water-based lube is the best lube to use with silicone toys (b-Vibe says water-based lube should be used with the Rimming Plug XL).
But the sad fact is, most water-based lubes in sex shops suck. They dry out very quickly and are not slick or thick enough for heavy anal play. Instead, I buy water-based lubes in powder form, which I mix myself at home. Examples of these are J-lube, K-lube, X-lube, Fist Powder, and others. These lubes are purchased as powders that you mix with water to make a slick, gooey substance. You can chance the viscosity (runniness) by adding more or less water (I like my J-lube thick, so I use more powder, less water).
These mix-it-yourself lubes are the most popular for anal fisting. J-lube is the old-school original — it is, in fact, a veterinary product that people into fisting have been (quite safely) for generations. All the other powder lubes are derivatives of J-lube. These lubes are safe with all toys, and they are what I would recommend for anyone into larger toy play (with the Rimming XL, you certainly qualify).
There are, of course, exceptions to these rules. Certain toy manufacturers make silicone toys that are safe with silicone lube. There are even high-grade silicone toys that are safe with oil-based lube. But for now, stick within the rules before hunting for exceptions.
The final and most important tip: Always do a "spot test." Put a spot of lube on a part of the toy that won't affect its use — usually the base or bottom — and leave it for a few hours to see if there's a chemical reaction. If there isn't, that lube is safe to use with that toy.
ANSWERED: When should I use coconut oil as lube?
Is it wrong for a straight guy to love receiving anal sex more than regular sex? — Sissyratboy
Hi Sissyratboy,
There's nothing gay about feeling good, and receptive anal sex feels really good for folks with prostates. Those who claim sodomy is unnatural — an abomination against God — choose to ignore the fact that their God put the ultimate pleasure spot (the prostate) for cisgender men in the anus.
DISCOVER: What is the prostate?
Like most sexually active men — gay and otherwise — I started my sex life thinking that, by virtue of being male, I was automatically the inserting sex partner. In my mind, I was no different than straight guys, except that the holes I wanted to fuck belonged to men instead of women. So that was what I did — until the day I got railed by a dom-top from the neighboring town. It hurt, but it also felt good, and I liked taking it, being under him, feeling him in me.
I started exploring bottoming, not because I was gay — in fact, I was initially very resistant to the idea and felt shame for it — but because it just felt so good. In time, the powerful physical pleasure of bottoming won the battle against my shame, and I embraced bottoming as a passion and way of life. Yes, there were still moments when my mind said it was wrong, but in the moment of sex, it felt right, and I held on to that feeling and allowed it to carry over into my life outside of sex. That's how I beat shame.
You're a straight man doing what feels good. Keep doing it. Get pegged like a champion. Be a beast of a bottom. Draw power from your own pleasure and use it to fuck up the world's narrow perception of heterosexual men. If you fully embrace what you like, I promise you three things: 1) you will find awesome women (and men, should you ever want to experiment) who want to fuck the living daylights out, and 3) you will likely have a far richer and more rewarding sex life than most other straight men you know.
LEARN: How to get started with strap-on penetration (aka pegging) and mastering the best pegging positions!
I have graduated from small plugs to large. Now I am having unusual internal spasms while inserted. No ejaculation but feeling very euphoric. I have read about anal orgasms but never had one. Is that what I am experiencing? I used to wear the medium plug for several hours but not the large one. — Olddog4newtrick
Hi Olddog4newtrick,
It is impossible to describe what an anal orgasm feels like because every human experiences all types of orgasms differently. My anal orgasms do not feel the same as my friend's orgasms. Mine take a longer time to happen, but once they happen, they are loud and intense and pass in waves over my body — my whole body trembles and I'm so loud that anyone in the house can hear me. My friend's anal orgasms are quieter and pass quickly, but he can do many of them in a row. I have fisted several guys who anal orgasm — or butt-gasm — this way.
MASTER: How to have a prostate orgasm
Some people involuntarily pee. Some don't. Every orgasm is like a signature — it is uniquely yours, an experience that only those you trust and connect with, who are privileged enough to witness you at your most powerful and vulnerable, will see.
There seem to be some similarities among butt-gasms. There's usually some trembling and full-body sensation involved. All orgasms — vaginal, squirting, ejaculatory, penile, and otherwise — involve clenching of the muscles and quickened heartbeat, so you can expect these in an anal orgasm as well. Most anal orgasms I've witnessed have not involved penile ejaculation, though some have (I've seen a few people with penises ejaculate soft, without an erection, from anal stimulation — it's hard to stay hard when your butt is being used).
I wouldn't be so sure that you haven't had an anal orgasm. Remember: your orgasms will change and develop as you develop. When I started fisting, it felt good, but I didn't have very intense orgasms from it. That changed dramatically in the years I've been fisting as I got better at it. I am now very proud of my butt-gasms. I developed them over time, and so will you. That's a fun part of the ass play journey.
Cheers,
Alex
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Have more questions for Alex? Read the answers to our most FAQs below:
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2) Is anal training essential?
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5) How do I get started with self anal play?
